Need some more encouraging words and no more bashing please, feeling sad.?

Just to add... because of a previous answer I got... I do help with the dog and I do love the thing, and this is not all about a dog, its about 6 years of suppressed anger, please read on...





OK I'm going to leave out all the unimportant details or i'd be typing all day here... I'm in need of some serious advice. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married since June 27th 2009. Once we got married it was like it all went downhill from there. We were in the process of building a house which finally completed on Aug 27th 2009 and we moved in the following weekend. Ever since we'd been in the house it was nothing but fighting fighting fighting... arguing over very stupid stuff and just kinda picking at eachother. Well on sept 27th there was a huge blow out in the middle of the night in regards to the puppy ( a pit bull) my husband decided to get which I said i was ok with as long as he took care of it... I have too much other stress to deal with a puppy, well he wouldn't get up and let the dog out even though he didn't have to work the next day and I did and it ended up being a complete blow out because he thought I should've done it because his birthday was the next day... The next 3 days were horrible. We fought every night, screaming matches... he left the next 3 nights in a row and I basically went nuts, no joke... sat with our 2 year old daughter on his moving car to get him to stay. Well I ended up admitting myself into the psych ward on Oct 1st because of advice from close family, friends and of course my husband. Well come to find out, the whole time I was in the hospital he was partyin it up and pawning our daughter off on grandparents. The night he dropped me off when he left he went to a well known night club where we live and ran into his high school girlfriends brother, got her phone number and texted her all night including a text saying he thought he might be ';going through the big D and didn't mean dallas.'; 2 days later he texted her inviting her to hang out with him. I found out about this all in my own ways and he admitted to it. He says my going to the hospital was my way to cope and his way to cope was to rebel. I have been a very controlling untrusting jealous person throughout our entire relationship all due to things that have happened to me in the past. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He did nothing more than text the girl and did not hang out with her, but because of infidelity in a previous relationship of mine and my promise to myself to never put myself through this again, I continue to struggle. I know most of your responses will be get rid of him, but something i haven't quite explained here is what a good man he really is. He has put up with a lot from me in the last 6 years and I think we both had our breaking points at the same time. His actions were completely and utterly out of character for him. Everyone who knew him was completely baffled by what he had done. I got out of the psych ward and I have a new outlook on life. I am currently ungergoing EMDR treatments for the BPD and am in counseling regularly. My husband buys me cards, flowers praises me everyday, apologizes everyday, says he is more in love with me now than ever... I have a hard time believeing him, but shouldn't I?? He'd be gone if he didn't want to be with me. No one is holding him hostage... I don't know how to forgive him for what he did. I know I did a lot to him, but what he did put a huge hole in my heart and if any of you know anythign about BPD I go from mad to sad at the drop of a hat and one minute I want to cry about it, one minute I am full of rage. I cry about it and he lets me verbally bash him when I get this way, takes it like a man because he knows what he did was wrong. I want to stop punishing him for rebelling after my years of mistreating him and I want to forgive what he did although I may never forget... I know I am rambling and this is a long story, thanks to all who took the time to read and thanks for any advice any of you can give. I am torn and lost and not sure which direction to go here... Please no verbal bashing... not good for me right now.Need some more encouraging words and no more bashing please, feeling sad.?
wow, I can't believe I read all that. But seriously, get into therapy by yourself and marriage counseling with your husband, because your daughter is going to pay the price for what is going on between you 2.Need some more encouraging words and no more bashing please, feeling sad.?
I'll wait for the Readers Digest condensed version.
Okay, first of all, are you on medication for your BPD, and have you begun counseling? Having a past that hurts is all good and fine, but you can't blame the way you act toward your husband on that. What you really need to be doing, instead of asking for advice (and its still not clear to me WHAT you're asking for, advice-wise) go seek out a really good counselor, and see him/her at LEAST once a week. Sitting on a moving vehicle and involving your child, your BABY in an altercation with your husband proves that you are NOT sane enough to properly take care of your child. Anything could have happened to that baby, whats wrong with you?! I have two babies, one 4 years and 1 is 5 months, and I would NEVER involve my children in an argument with my husband. If he wants to leave, let him go! You knew all the time what you were doing, placing all of your past tragedies on him, that's really not fair. There are no encouraging words from what you've explained. You just need to go admit yourself once again, and get help, and get well, or the state will end up taking that baby away from you. The last thing you need to worry about is your husband's extra curricular activities. You need to heal your past wounds and make a safe home for your child to reside. you can't do that right now. Please go get some help.
I am with Master Shake. You need counseling. You have a lot of anger issues, too. I'd work on that.
OK, That is a very sad and heartbreaking story to read BUT I believe you are on the right track and you should continue your counseling on a daily basis like you should be and I to have trust issues as well and I know how extremely difficult it is when you've been hurt before BUT you need to stop the fighting and watch your tone for a few months and see if his reactions change, I know it may sound weird but if you change how you think and say things to a positive level your marriage and your state of mind will improve. I have done it myself and it has took a 360 for the better. And I think your a strong determine woman and can do it too.
So your husband is treating you well now. What's the problem? Is it that you feel guilty for acting the way you did for all of those years? It's time to forgive yourself and stop sweating the small stuff. It sounds to me like you are analizing this situation to death. Just focus your energy on being a good wife and mother. Time will heal everything.
There is absolutely nothing for you to do aside from concentrating on your own recovery. Right now you need to continue treatement and medication and concentrate on the fact that your husband is standing by you even when by your own admitance you have been horrible, paranoid, jealous, controlling and unstrusting. He by your own accounts has been supportive, apologized for his error in judgement and you even admit yourself that YOU have misstreated HIM for years.





So what exactly is it that you have to forgive him for? Forget about what he did that night when you admit yourself you might have driven him towards it. If you cannot let go of that you might never ever get your marriage to work. Your husband is obviously concentrating in the important thing, you, your daughter and your marriage.





Try to do the same. Stop comparing him to the men in your past because he isnt like them obviously since you married him and he has stuck by your side at your lowest point.





Try and try and try some more, you can do it. Choose to be happy. It's hard and painful and sometimes seems impossible but when you want to say something mean think about it before it comes out. Ask yourself what difference is it going to make if I say this? is it going to make my marriage better? is it going to make me happy? Is it going to make HIM happy?





You have the future of your marriage in your hands. Let go to the past and concentrate on the good things, for your daughter's your husband's and your own sake.
Stop blaming your husband for your problems and stop punishing him. I'm sure he's got issues and is not perfect either but seriously? Stop making him the bad guy and start taking responsibility for your own actions. Crying and lashing out are two sides of the same coin: avoiding your own contributions to your own problems.





People who include petty details are people trying to avoid the larger truth. Sounds to me like you are close to admitting the larger truth but circling around it and I think he knows this too, which is probably why he puts up with so much from you. That and you're dynamic. He obviously loves the excitement being around you. But you can be exciting without being hurtful. Your baby needs to see you respect her father. Do you want her to never have a good relationship because she grows up thinking men are to be treated like a whipping dog?





I'm not bashing you, I'm telling you hard truths. You don't need more coddling, you need to buck up and act with honor. Take responsibility for your own failings and be ready to heal yourself instead of expecting others to do it for you.
Your relationship prior to treatment sounds like a train wreck, so I congratulate you for getting into treatment. I assume it's for Borderline? That's a hard row to hoe, and if your husband is being supportive, that's all you can ask of him. You have to know that it's extremely difficult to live with someone with this issue. I think you forgive him by deciding to, and moving forward.





My husband has bipolar, and he's terribly verbally abusive when he isn't doing well. Everytime it happens, I think of leaving him, because it's so unhealthy for me to stay and be subjected to the abuse. Just as I'm reaching my breaking point, he snaps out of it, and we go on with our life. All I'm saying, is that it's really hard to live with someone who has problems, yet he's forgiven you, supported you, and stayed all these years.





Maybe you can cut him a little slack and let this go.
Marriage counselling. Perhaps living together is not for you. my mom and her man were together for over 10 years before getting married. even when they were married, they couldn't live with eachother. they got a divorce, but still have a monogamous relationship. they still don't live together after 20 years, but live a 2 hour drive apart and that's how they're happy.
You do have a right to be pissed at your husband for hooking up with an ex behind your back. My husband talks to his ex, but the difference is that we have adult children and I am their step mom and a friend. They talk about family things and she is very nice to me and happily remarried. It helps that his ex was remarried when I met my hubby. Your husband feels bad because the idiot that tried to hook your brother up with an ex is plain stupid. I bet your hubby just talked and they decided that they did not want affairs and the lady probably turned him down or he turned her down. I think he is buying you nice things because he wants to cheer you up and be there for you like a good partner in life. Plan one day in the week to sit down and have a private meal together to just talk about things you have in common. Tell funny jokes, watch funny movies, or just do anything that you both enjoy together. My husband gets art supplies for me because he knows I love to paint. cheer up because it sounds like he is reaching out to you and it is up to you to do the same. A big hug to you both and just give each other some good old fashioned romance.
The truth is that you're still in recovery so you're hemming and hawing about what you should do. One suggestion may be to have your husband join you in some of the therapy you're undergoing so that he can get a better understanding of you and your jealousy and how this is affecting you. Embrace him .. don't push him away. He needed a break but he didn't break the marriage. You left him to find yourself and he needed to find himself as well - outside of his self being connected with you. Now is the time to heal. Now is the time to bring all the loose pieces together with the aid of a professional person to assist both of you. Once you're both on the same page and of the same mind .. he understanding more of you and your problem and you understanding that he is to be trusted despite your illness telling you otherwise ... then you can build on your marriage of trust and fidelity and grow old together and remain happy.
Let it go. He was probably thinking to himself that you and him weren鈥檛 going to make it, so needed someone to comfort him. That still isn鈥檛 an excuse, but if you know he loves you then why keep on about it. The question is do you still love him? If so, then move on from this, but if not then you need to figure out where you want to be and do it. Relationships are not always wonderful, but when you have been with someone for as long as you and him have been, then you are going to experience the devil because he doesn鈥檛 want anyone happy so he is going to come into your home and do what he can to destroy it. I know I am experiencing it as we speak.


You need to take control of your sickness, not for you and your husband but for your child. The child should not be submitted to such behavior. They do as they see.


Good Luck and I hope you can find your way.
I'm confused about two things: Why would anyone tell you to dump this man, who obviously has the patience of a saint? And what precisely did he ';do'; that was so heinous? He went out with friends and texted an old girlfriend. If you were in a healthy frame of mind, you'd be over that in two seconds.





You have nothing to forgive him for. Living with a person who suffers from BPD is hell, plain and simple. My best advice is to continue with treatment, and someday you'll come to the realization that no one who didn't love you past the stars would tolerate the drama and abuse that comes along with BPD. He blames your disease, not you. I hope you're extremely grateful for that.





Remember also that these feelings of being ';torn and lost';, and of wanting to punish him for absolutely nothing are part of the disease. That is not the way healthy people think, so listen to your doctor(s) and keep up with your treatment. Best of luck!
You have bpd....you will have a hard time no matter what. I hear you and actually think you sound pretty solid about understanding it which is a HUGE start. I know one person with bpd, it's my x wife, she hasn't quite dealt with it a well as yourself. But, if I remember right you can't keep piling up stuff on yourself. as far as forgiving your husband for the pain, which is extreme work for you, or anyone actually, you might just want to start fresh everyday. I know if you were more capable to juggle serveral issue it would be different but BPD deal you a different card. My wives specialist suggest just not boggle down on the past, start fresh every day. Forget forgiving, forget the event, just start today fresh with your husband, it will be too time consuming and get in the way of today if you don't let go. I think starting over everyday is the answer, mistake will be made, events will happen, it how we deal with it. It is your past that mess with your future. Eventually you get better at dealing with life, that is the goal to BPD
Time does not heal everything. You need to focus on healing yourself.





I am getting EMDR myself. I know how you feel, I have a history of trauma in my life. I don't have BPD but I have issues, none the less. (I don't know how diagnosed you with BPD, but you might want to get a second opinion....just a feeling.)


Stress is really difficult for you. I know how that feels. You NEED to make sure that you cut yourself some slack. Get help from friends/family and don't be afraid to do things for yoruself.





On the flip side - he sounds REALLY immature, I am sorry to say ---- and honestly, he might be a big part of your problem. You say he is a good man --- then be patient with each other.





Practice each day --- focusing on things you like about yourself --- and him. Focus on the positives. If he is a good man, then praise him for it. Tell him that you appreciate him -- for all the good he has done. Enjoy his love --- enjoy playing with the puppy. Enjoy your life iwth your daughter...Life is too short. Take responsibility for your actions, but but yourself slack.


:)
I don't like dogs.