Hi where do I start. I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 4. We are having major problems, actually we have had major problems for the last 3 years since I feel pregnant as he was not ble to support me, and when things got really bad, he just bailed out. That is how he copes with things, and I understand that, but it caused a lot of resentment on my part.
Now I find it very difficult to enjoy sex or intimacy with him, and it has been 3 years. Sex has never been.. that fullfilling as I think we are incompatible but I though it would get better. I try to talk to him but he just freezes up and looks to do something else. Last night, he told me that he didn't like the two most important parts of my body to him (sex doesn't seem to stray far from that..) and it just hurt me because i thought, what do we have. We don't have conversations about anything because he doesn't like to, and i find myself continuously having to rake over things years later because he won't address them. Well i did, I don't bother now.
I know I made a mistake marrying him, because i MARRIEd him for the wrong reasons. I did it because... he'd hurt me so much, and all his family kept saying that he was such a good person, and all the things he did to me I took for his innocence. They made me feel I wasn't good enough, so I clung onto him for my pride, and because I loved him, but it was a desperate sort of love because his actions made me feel desperate and unconfient.
May be the past doesn't matter and it is how I handle the future that matters. I think he worries more about what other people think of him than what I do, i.e. at christmas he bought me nothing and did nothing for me, when my family asked I told them, and because he felt bad he made a real fuss for my birthday so everything kept saying, you have a wonderful husband look how much he loves you. And I did feel special, but at the back of my mind, truthfully, I worried about whether he did it for me or for other people's perception of him.
How do I move forward from this? I can't bear intimacy with him. It just feels so wrong, like I am kissing my brother or something. He always kisses with his eyes open and I think that means something, he is never truely there with me and I know it.
The only reason we are together is because of our son, and please don't say I shouldn't have had him, I will never regret nay path that led to my wonderful son.
I guess I pay too much attention to my son, but like I said, I find it difficult to spend time with my husband as he doesn't make me feel loved, and I guess he doesn't feel loved now either.
3 years ago, I was pregnant and then gave birth, and with eveything that happened I was vulnerable, and because I felt so unsupported I just sunbconsiscouly i think, decided that I had to look after myself and my son and put us first. I know that is wrong but it was self-defense.
We went out together last night for drinks and the cinema, and we had a good time ish, but he kept joking that his only problem was me, and he didn't want to spend that much time out with me, and then obs came iout with the confession that he wasn't keen on my body at first but go used to it.
I just think that we have to stay together for the sake of our son, and because I know that christian marriages are not divorcable unless there are infidelities or violence. So I have to find a way to get better and be happy.Christian marriage advice please?
Oh my dear sister..I have heard words like yours so many times. You feel completely trapped, hopeless, helpless, miserable, empty, and sad. This is not what God intended your life, or any marriage to be. You are remaining in a terribly unhealthy relationship in adherence to the law. We are not under the law, but Grace as our Savior has fulfilled every aspect of the law. Your husband can't hide behind your vows or God's plan for marriage and abandon you while living in the same home. This emotional abandonment is no better and no different than the physical kind. So often people marry for the wrong reasons. So often there is pride involved. As it is written, pride goes before the fall. So, here is what I will tell you with one caveat: speak to your pastor and tell him everything you wrote here. God has placed him in your life to be a help. He will tell you that God can renew your marriage, that although you see it was, ';Never meant to be'; that God can make it what He wants it to be and for you to be happy. This is a true statement, however it will not happen unless both people are committed to submitting to God's authority and will make themselves accountable in the process of their change. You do not have to remain in this marriage. It is not a Scriptural fact that God wants you to be emotionally abused and/or abandoned. That kind of legalism is man-made. This is not an excuse or a loophole for troubled marriages, but a marriage is a covenant between a man, woman, and God. What your husband has done breaks that covenant just as adultery would do. Trust, love, honor, and that which glorifies God in a marriage relationship are attributes that exemplify the meaning of the vows you and your husband took.
The Apostle Paul was the head of the Council of Sanheddrin. He was married as was required to hold that position. His conversion to Christianity led to the end of his marriage. No doubt his wife would not follow him on his new journey. Was this his sin? I think not. The issue is that you are not united in Christ, so you are not united at all. I will end my answer with this nasty statistic. Divorce rates in churches are slightly higher than in the secular world. Being called a Christian does not make a marriage healthy or even long-lasting. Only the actions we take as Christians within our marriages, the love we show each other and our obedience to Jesus renews, restores, and maintains joy in that sacred union of marriage. Talk to your pastor. See if he does not say precisely what I've told you here. If your husband does not yield to God's authority, be gracious and let go. You are a daughter of the King of Kings. He would not, He does not desire you to be in this circumstance. May you be filled with peace and draw your comfort and healing from Jesus who is all you need.Christian marriage advice please?
God never intended for people to live in unhappy marriages.
Christians get divorced all the time.
Undo the mistake and divorce him.
Not many people do regret having their children. But it makes divorce so much more complicated. If you are really this unhappy and see no hope at all for your marriage get a divorce.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Coping with the children after a nasty divorce.....?
My husband and I divorced after almost 9 years of marriage and in that time, had the most wonderful two children who are now 5 and almost 3..they are very young. During our 9 years of marriage as well, I went through sparatic abuse of all forms including physical, traces of infidelity,extreme taboo porn (including beastiality and incest..more incest than any) and one red handed count of molesting my older sister while she slept over for a visit (no charges were pressed). Needless to say he was twisted! I can seem to separate two things though...his relationship with the kids! He was....a WONDERFUL father who loved the kids..but his actions to me and his private time....tell me not so much. My kids(esp my son) look up to him. Now that we are divorcing....things change. I don't want to tear him outta the kids lives...but then again I want to protect them because I would be a fool to assume he is normal? My husband agreed to let me make a 1000 mile move if I brought the children home for visits according to school breaks....and so I did. I think the separation is good....it distances his ways and keeps the kids less prone to being around it so often and their chances low...but are still able to have a relationship. Before we agreed on separation, he started sleeping and seeing someone from a sex ad, and beat the crap outta me twice in front of my children. My views are pretty skewed on him, even his relationship with the kids. My move is made and I don't plan on uprooting my kids again...I just want life to go on! How do I handle the guilt of wondering how my children will turn out with their father far away and out of their lives.....or handle the moments of them missing their father???Coping with the children after a nasty divorce.....?
why WOULDN'T you want him out of your kids lives. He will teach them that this behavior is okay, that YOU are not to be respected and I PROMISE you he will abuse your children too. He may even RAPE them. This man is not a father he is a sperm donor. It is abuse just for your children to watch you get beat up. I never saw my father so much as yell at my mother and if you are divorce he did not LET you do ****. You did it on your own. You are an adult and you do not have to answer to him. You should not feel guilty for protecting yourself and your children. No kid needs an abusive father and you know what your kids are so young that if you just keep him away in 3 years they won't remember him. This was a good age to do this. Kids do not form permanent bonds and attachments and memories until they are five and your five year old is still young enough to undo the damage. Just don't go running into the arms of another man like this. There are men out there who aren't like this. I have been with (not sex for you perverts out there) 16 guys and NONE of them have hit me or raped me.Coping with the children after a nasty divorce.....?
Wonderful father?! WTF! Why isn't he in jail where he belongs! I hope this is just another bored troll out there.
I think that the fact that your son witnessed th abuse and will need therapy should be your major concern...forget about the distance between your children and your husband and focus on your cildren and how to deal with their needs because they have undoubetedly been traumatized. Their well-being should be of your utmost concern and you have already made the most important move and that was to get away from him. Now worry about dealing with caring for your children because they are most important.
why WOULDN'T you want him out of your kids lives. He will teach them that this behavior is okay, that YOU are not to be respected and I PROMISE you he will abuse your children too. He may even RAPE them. This man is not a father he is a sperm donor. It is abuse just for your children to watch you get beat up. I never saw my father so much as yell at my mother and if you are divorce he did not LET you do ****. You did it on your own. You are an adult and you do not have to answer to him. You should not feel guilty for protecting yourself and your children. No kid needs an abusive father and you know what your kids are so young that if you just keep him away in 3 years they won't remember him. This was a good age to do this. Kids do not form permanent bonds and attachments and memories until they are five and your five year old is still young enough to undo the damage. Just don't go running into the arms of another man like this. There are men out there who aren't like this. I have been with (not sex for you perverts out there) 16 guys and NONE of them have hit me or raped me.Coping with the children after a nasty divorce.....?
Wonderful father?! WTF! Why isn't he in jail where he belongs! I hope this is just another bored troll out there.
I think that the fact that your son witnessed th abuse and will need therapy should be your major concern...forget about the distance between your children and your husband and focus on your cildren and how to deal with their needs because they have undoubetedly been traumatized. Their well-being should be of your utmost concern and you have already made the most important move and that was to get away from him. Now worry about dealing with caring for your children because they are most important.
My girl talks to other guys, I dont like the fact that she does, this is why?
This is kinda been bugging me for a good 2 months now, I've been dating this girl for 2 years, I love her with all my heart and would do anything for her. I know that I can be controlling at times and sometimes I just.. feel like I know what's best,, anyways here we go. So in the beginning of our relationship we did not talk to the opposite sex in regards to friends because we were both very jealous, If she talked to ANY guy at all, I'd hate it and just eat me up. It's like why do girls need to talk to guys!? what do they have in common! Lol.. i personally dont talk to any girls but her because she's still insecure and jealous about the whole thing, yet she started doing it again and got in touch with some of her old guy friends. Now...when I visualize it on the real, they arent a threat. When I think about a guy and my girl, it's always a threat, after all, every freakin guy think with his.... not his mind. I'm about fed up with the fact that she has become hypocricital and said oh you cant talk to your friends that were girls but I can talk to my guy friends. I'm like wtf why? she said because all girls do is like to mess up a relationship. I said uhh not true..some girls can be good friends. You need to trust me more, after everything I've done I havent given you any reason not to trust me. Let me mention that our relationship is healing from the worst crime out of em all, infidelity. about 4-5 months ago I found her talking to another guy. I'll admit, I was a jerk to her before those 4-5 months, calling her names, getting on to her for no reason, I was going through a rough time, which wasnt an excuse but for about 2 months in a row I just was being really mean to her, so she started talking to someone else, so you kinda know where this is going, she learned her lesson, so did I, but now like she talks to these guys and I'm jealous..I dont know what to do or how to get over it. Truthfully..I guess in the back of my mind I worry about her slipping again, so I worry about getting into any fight with her, i'd just rather keep my mouth shut :(! she doesnt hang out with these guys at all, just talks and yes I do know every move she makes. After the inciddent that happened, I've been a bit paranoid, who wouldnt be afterall? so..i know this is wrong and I'm trying to quit the habit but I check her myspace, her call records, and try to catch her doing whatever it is shes doing... its like I want to make sure she isnt messing with my heart and wont. She put it on her dads life that she loves me and that im all she ever wanted (no i didnt make it easy for her to win me back) and now we're engaged. im 21 shes 19 almost 20.
Please help me understand or cope with this better it's really beating me up :(, I know this is a long sentence but I'll def give good points or w/e...
thanksMy girl talks to other guys, I dont like the fact that she does, this is why?
ok..humm..well you have to take it easy on her...jealousy is a very bad habit...and picking on her all the time with no reason...please give her a break... the more u do that, the more u push her away from u...I'm sure that she knows u love her. Well u can't stop her from talking to other guys, she is not even you wife yet...and even if she was, that doesn't give u right to control her like that...she got life too u know, but I鈥檓 sure that she's talking to the guys to pay u back for what u did to her...I would dump u if I was her....lol..i cant stand jelaous types...u guys have trust issue...My girl talks to other guys, I dont like the fact that she does, this is why?
Wall of text
So I decided to read all of that. and it seems like she shouldn't be talking to other guys. just sit there and talk to her. If you guys have already had sex. that could be a problem. sex ruins the relationship.
um....how do u think u guys got 2gether? girls dont like controling guys!!!!! itz just very weird, im srry but just stating true facts!!
Please help me understand or cope with this better it's really beating me up :(, I know this is a long sentence but I'll def give good points or w/e...
thanksMy girl talks to other guys, I dont like the fact that she does, this is why?
ok..humm..well you have to take it easy on her...jealousy is a very bad habit...and picking on her all the time with no reason...please give her a break... the more u do that, the more u push her away from u...I'm sure that she knows u love her. Well u can't stop her from talking to other guys, she is not even you wife yet...and even if she was, that doesn't give u right to control her like that...she got life too u know, but I鈥檓 sure that she's talking to the guys to pay u back for what u did to her...I would dump u if I was her....lol..i cant stand jelaous types...u guys have trust issue...My girl talks to other guys, I dont like the fact that she does, this is why?
Wall of text
So I decided to read all of that. and it seems like she shouldn't be talking to other guys. just sit there and talk to her. If you guys have already had sex. that could be a problem. sex ruins the relationship.
um....how do u think u guys got 2gether? girls dont like controling guys!!!!! itz just very weird, im srry but just stating true facts!!
I think I am having a Nervous Breakdown?
Ok so I am at the critical point of deciding whether or not to divorce. I have very mixed feelings and the process is taking its toll on me emotionally. Today I feel like my heart is going to come out of my chest. I didn't sleep last night which doesn't help either. I know part of this is anxiety or panic attack, but how do I cope? I think the problem is that I don't want to let go and I am scared of what will become of me and our children, but think it is probably what I must do. I am also feeling a lot of guilt as I had an affair 5 years ago which kind of caused him to have his affair for the last 2 1/2 years. I don't think he can let her go - even though he stopped contact. His best friend lives with the OW's sister. I think everyone would be better off if I just left. 24 years together is a long time.
One more thing. He says all I have to say is stay and we will work it out. He wants me to tell him that in time I will be able to regain the love that I lost through his infidelity. I can't tell him that honestly because I don't know. So now he knows she loves him with all her heart and will take him and treat him like a king. How do I compete? Do I compete? Is he worth it?
Please, not stupid comments about how we deserve each other because we are both cheaters. I'm asking for sincere help only. Thank you.I think I am having a Nervous Breakdown?
I really believe you could work things out.
Especially because your husband sounds willing to work on it. But, work means work. He must avoid her to an extreme and at any cost. ie. lose contact with his best friend.
I am a believer that you can earn back trust after an infidelity but it takes being willing to be very accountable and very cautious for a while, ( on his part) Like a year at least.
I am also a believer in marriage. You ask is he worth it? I think a 24 year old marriage is definitely worth fighting for. Don't give up that easily...and as far as competing? I don't think he should have you in a position to even remotely be ';competing';. He needs to do what he has to do to take that out of the equation.
I'll pray for you.I think I am having a Nervous Breakdown?
Get off the computer and go see a doctor or take yourself to the ER, if necessary.
Or stop being melodramatic. A ';nervous breakdown'; and sleepless nights can be a sign of a serious mental disorder.
Back burner your marriage issues and get help for your psychological ones.
Oh wow, you are in a predicament.
I hear you had an affair once and he had one that has lasted and is still going on for the last 2 1/2 years? That's insane! There IS a big difference between a short affair/one night and one that has lasted this long. Are you putting up with it bc you had one?
That's crazy! He has the cake and eats it too. He has a mistress and a wife! LEAVE him. You have a thousand reasons;
1). There was a void in you to begin with, that's why you had an affair.
2). You are so unhappy and stressed that it's taking both emotional and physical toll on you.
3). You having an affair is NO reason or excuse for him to have one!!!! It doesn't give him any right! Either he forgives you or he leaves you but he can't use it as an excuse to have one himself!
4). You wrote here bc you are unhappy and desperate which means you have had enough.
I feel for you. You have had a long marriage but that does not mean it is still a good one and you deserve so much better.
I'm wanting to leave my husband too.
You are NOT alone!
Good Luck!
oh my heart breaks for you.....this is really hard and i'm not going to tell you it gets any easier....you need to take some time for your self and really think about what you want and how this is all going to turn out. I left my husband and in the process came to a relationship with Jesus.I don't know what your beliefs are and I'm not pushing mine on you, but I believe now if I had come to Jesus while I was still with my husband we may have worked it out. (he was a drunken a**hole, verbally abusive to me and our 2 year old daughter and i feared what was next) I began a new relationship right away and we love each other dearly but I feel the pain of my divorce everyday. Should I have stayed and dealt with the abuse? Probably not. I know I did the right thing but feel tremendous guilt over it. My daughter and I have a wonderful life now, that we could have never had before and her daddy finally grew up and decided to be a sober dad. I don't think that would have happened if I had stayed with him.
You should try to make it work and if it doesn't at least you can say you tried...
One more thing. He says all I have to say is stay and we will work it out. He wants me to tell him that in time I will be able to regain the love that I lost through his infidelity. I can't tell him that honestly because I don't know. So now he knows she loves him with all her heart and will take him and treat him like a king. How do I compete? Do I compete? Is he worth it?
Please, not stupid comments about how we deserve each other because we are both cheaters. I'm asking for sincere help only. Thank you.I think I am having a Nervous Breakdown?
I really believe you could work things out.
Especially because your husband sounds willing to work on it. But, work means work. He must avoid her to an extreme and at any cost. ie. lose contact with his best friend.
I am a believer that you can earn back trust after an infidelity but it takes being willing to be very accountable and very cautious for a while, ( on his part) Like a year at least.
I am also a believer in marriage. You ask is he worth it? I think a 24 year old marriage is definitely worth fighting for. Don't give up that easily...and as far as competing? I don't think he should have you in a position to even remotely be ';competing';. He needs to do what he has to do to take that out of the equation.
I'll pray for you.I think I am having a Nervous Breakdown?
Get off the computer and go see a doctor or take yourself to the ER, if necessary.
Or stop being melodramatic. A ';nervous breakdown'; and sleepless nights can be a sign of a serious mental disorder.
Back burner your marriage issues and get help for your psychological ones.
Oh wow, you are in a predicament.
I hear you had an affair once and he had one that has lasted and is still going on for the last 2 1/2 years? That's insane! There IS a big difference between a short affair/one night and one that has lasted this long. Are you putting up with it bc you had one?
That's crazy! He has the cake and eats it too. He has a mistress and a wife! LEAVE him. You have a thousand reasons;
1). There was a void in you to begin with, that's why you had an affair.
2). You are so unhappy and stressed that it's taking both emotional and physical toll on you.
3). You having an affair is NO reason or excuse for him to have one!!!! It doesn't give him any right! Either he forgives you or he leaves you but he can't use it as an excuse to have one himself!
4). You wrote here bc you are unhappy and desperate which means you have had enough.
I feel for you. You have had a long marriage but that does not mean it is still a good one and you deserve so much better.
I'm wanting to leave my husband too.
You are NOT alone!
Good Luck!
oh my heart breaks for you.....this is really hard and i'm not going to tell you it gets any easier....you need to take some time for your self and really think about what you want and how this is all going to turn out. I left my husband and in the process came to a relationship with Jesus.I don't know what your beliefs are and I'm not pushing mine on you, but I believe now if I had come to Jesus while I was still with my husband we may have worked it out. (he was a drunken a**hole, verbally abusive to me and our 2 year old daughter and i feared what was next) I began a new relationship right away and we love each other dearly but I feel the pain of my divorce everyday. Should I have stayed and dealt with the abuse? Probably not. I know I did the right thing but feel tremendous guilt over it. My daughter and I have a wonderful life now, that we could have never had before and her daddy finally grew up and decided to be a sober dad. I don't think that would have happened if I had stayed with him.
You should try to make it work and if it doesn't at least you can say you tried...
Worried about being away from my boyfriend?
my boyfriend is going away for 3 months soon and i'm worried about how i am going to cope..
we have been together for over 2 years now and we both feel very strongly about each other.. i guess that we are what both of us consider to be ';in love'; (no cynicism intended)..
he is touring with his band and we will have little opportunity to talk due to the cost of overseas calling and limited internet access - i have had people tell me that old cliche that ';boys will be boys'; on tour but it seems ridiculous to break-up in anticipation of infidelity. surely guys don't morph into sex-hungry debauched animals just because they're tripping around in a van with some guitars?
i just wanted to know whether anyone has ever been in a similar situation and whether their relationship survived..Worried about being away from my boyfriend?
My boyfriend went away on an internship for 3 months when we had only been dating for about a year and 5 months. I worried at first that the distance would make him not want me anymore, for whatever crazy reason (even though he was coming back in just three months for school no matter what). Well wasn't I stupid. It's hard to get over the whole not being able to see him when you want thing, and you'll miss him like crazy, but you'll cope with that part fine.
Now, as to YOUR boyfriend in a band...well that adds a risk factor, doesn't it? Here's the question, do you trust him? Fully, 100% trust him? If you don't, then do some soul searching. Is he the kind of guy that always checks out other girls (even if you're there with him), or says ';Oh this girl hit on me today'; (in a sort of proud or cocky way) or ';That girl is hot'; (even if she is just a movie star)?
If your answer is NO to all of those, then don't worry a bit.
Another thing to consider...are YOU willing to make the long distance work? You say that you both are ';in love.'; Now, does that mean that you THINK you are, or really you truly are? In my opinion, it means that neither of you consider another person worth your time (dating-wise) and that unless someone better comes along, you two will end up married someday. My boyfriend and I are at that point, and have actually decided, together, that we are getting married in a couple years.
And lastly, talk to him about it.
Best of luck!Worried about being away from my boyfriend?
There are internet cafes all over Europe. They won't be able to go to any city without having access to communicate with you. In most areas, the internet access will be free for up to two hours per day with a minimal charge after that. If they stop somewhere for lunch or coffee, he can send you a quick note or can make arrangements for you to be on at the same time that he expects to be on. If he does not have a laptop, get him one as a gift before he leaves
My boyfriend and i ended up going to college 5 hours apart from each other. I was worried because he was in a fraternity and he parties a lot so i thought that he might get drunk and do something stupid. He never did, we understood that we loved each other and that we would do everything to make our relationship work, if you decide that before he leaves im sure everything will be ok.
Nicky says, ';you should be worried'; as you're about to feel ';reality'; in a nutshell. While away with his band, he will experience copious amounts of alcohol and female genetalia while you'll be considering your own ways to cheat, unfortunately you wont have any effect on him at all and will only ending making urself look like a skank haha. yup, reality in a nutshell.
I have a boyfriend and we are in the same situation. I live in another state and only see him every three or four months.
The thing I have found to work best is just to keep your mind on something, then when you do get to talk to him, enjoy it, and love every moment of it
well i have a bf and we live kinda far from eachother so its really hard to see him...sence i am young i have no car its really hard.i lasted almost 2 months without seing or talking to him but when we did eventually talk everything was perfectly fine if you trust him it shouldnt be a problem it is going to be hard but you'll wait for him if you really love him
Well some times when I went out of town my relationship survived and he called me every single night but if that does not work since he will be over seas then write him a letter or send him a post card.
two years is a long time to be together remember that all the time. Chances are he will not. And if he does try not to care just simply break up with him!
No, guys behave on tour.
Signed,
Bret Michaels
we have been together for over 2 years now and we both feel very strongly about each other.. i guess that we are what both of us consider to be ';in love'; (no cynicism intended)..
he is touring with his band and we will have little opportunity to talk due to the cost of overseas calling and limited internet access - i have had people tell me that old cliche that ';boys will be boys'; on tour but it seems ridiculous to break-up in anticipation of infidelity. surely guys don't morph into sex-hungry debauched animals just because they're tripping around in a van with some guitars?
i just wanted to know whether anyone has ever been in a similar situation and whether their relationship survived..Worried about being away from my boyfriend?
My boyfriend went away on an internship for 3 months when we had only been dating for about a year and 5 months. I worried at first that the distance would make him not want me anymore, for whatever crazy reason (even though he was coming back in just three months for school no matter what). Well wasn't I stupid. It's hard to get over the whole not being able to see him when you want thing, and you'll miss him like crazy, but you'll cope with that part fine.
Now, as to YOUR boyfriend in a band...well that adds a risk factor, doesn't it? Here's the question, do you trust him? Fully, 100% trust him? If you don't, then do some soul searching. Is he the kind of guy that always checks out other girls (even if you're there with him), or says ';Oh this girl hit on me today'; (in a sort of proud or cocky way) or ';That girl is hot'; (even if she is just a movie star)?
If your answer is NO to all of those, then don't worry a bit.
Another thing to consider...are YOU willing to make the long distance work? You say that you both are ';in love.'; Now, does that mean that you THINK you are, or really you truly are? In my opinion, it means that neither of you consider another person worth your time (dating-wise) and that unless someone better comes along, you two will end up married someday. My boyfriend and I are at that point, and have actually decided, together, that we are getting married in a couple years.
And lastly, talk to him about it.
Best of luck!Worried about being away from my boyfriend?
There are internet cafes all over Europe. They won't be able to go to any city without having access to communicate with you. In most areas, the internet access will be free for up to two hours per day with a minimal charge after that. If they stop somewhere for lunch or coffee, he can send you a quick note or can make arrangements for you to be on at the same time that he expects to be on. If he does not have a laptop, get him one as a gift before he leaves
My boyfriend and i ended up going to college 5 hours apart from each other. I was worried because he was in a fraternity and he parties a lot so i thought that he might get drunk and do something stupid. He never did, we understood that we loved each other and that we would do everything to make our relationship work, if you decide that before he leaves im sure everything will be ok.
Nicky says, ';you should be worried'; as you're about to feel ';reality'; in a nutshell. While away with his band, he will experience copious amounts of alcohol and female genetalia while you'll be considering your own ways to cheat, unfortunately you wont have any effect on him at all and will only ending making urself look like a skank haha. yup, reality in a nutshell.
I have a boyfriend and we are in the same situation. I live in another state and only see him every three or four months.
The thing I have found to work best is just to keep your mind on something, then when you do get to talk to him, enjoy it, and love every moment of it
well i have a bf and we live kinda far from eachother so its really hard to see him...sence i am young i have no car its really hard.i lasted almost 2 months without seing or talking to him but when we did eventually talk everything was perfectly fine if you trust him it shouldnt be a problem it is going to be hard but you'll wait for him if you really love him
Well some times when I went out of town my relationship survived and he called me every single night but if that does not work since he will be over seas then write him a letter or send him a post card.
two years is a long time to be together remember that all the time. Chances are he will not. And if he does try not to care just simply break up with him!
No, guys behave on tour.
Signed,
Bret Michaels
Ok,some good answers but one that really made it worse, anyone have any encouraging words?
Just to add... because of a previous answer I got... I do help with the dog and I do love the thing, and this is not all about a dog, its about 6 years of suppressed anger, please read on...
OK I'm going to leave out all the unimportant details or i'd be typing all day here... I'm in need of some serious advice. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married since June 27th 2009. Once we got married it was like it all went downhill from there. We were in the process of building a house which finally completed on Aug 27th 2009 and we moved in the following weekend. Ever since we'd been in the house it was nothing but fighting fighting fighting... arguing over very stupid stuff and just kinda picking at eachother. Well on sept 27th there was a huge blow out in the middle of the night in regards to the puppy ( a pit bull) my husband decided to get which I said i was ok with as long as he took care of it... I have too much other stress to deal with a puppy, well he wouldn't get up and let the dog out even though he didn't have to work the next day and I did and it ended up being a complete blow out because he thought I should've done it because his birthday was the next day... The next 3 days were horrible. We fought every night, screaming matches... he left the next 3 nights in a row and I basically went nuts, no joke... sat with our 2 year old daughter on his moving car to get him to stay. Well I ended up admitting myself into the psych ward on Oct 1st because of advice from close family, friends and of course my husband. Well come to find out, the whole time I was in the hospital he was partyin it up and pawning our daughter off on grandparents. The night he dropped me off when he left he went to a well known night club where we live and ran into his high school girlfriends brother, got her phone number and texted her all night including a text saying he thought he might be ';going through the big D and didn't mean dallas.'; 2 days later he texted her inviting her to hang out with him. I found out about this all in my own ways and he admitted to it. He says my going to the hospital was my way to cope and his way to cope was to rebel. I have been a very controlling untrusting jealous person throughout our entire relationship all due to things that have happened to me in the past. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He did nothing more than text the girl and did not hang out with her, but because of infidelity in a previous relationship of mine and my promise to myself to never put myself through this again, I continue to struggle. I know most of your responses will be get rid of him, but something i haven't quite explained here is what a good man he really is. He has put up with a lot from me in the last 6 years and I think we both had our breaking points at the same time. His actions were completely and utterly out of character for him. Everyone who knew him was completely baffled by what he had done. I got out of the psych ward and I have a new outlook on life. I am currently ungergoing EMDR treatments for the BPD and am in counseling regularly. My husband buys me cards, flowers praises me everyday, apologizes everyday, says he is more in love with me now than ever... I have a hard time believeing him, but shouldn't I?? He'd be gone if he didn't want to be with me. No one is holding him hostage... I don't know how to forgive him for what he did. I know I did a lot to him, but what he did put a huge hole in my heart and if any of you know anythign about BPD I go from mad to sad at the drop of a hat and one minute I want to cry about it, one minute I am full of rage. I cry about it and he lets me verbally bash him when I get this way, takes it like a man because he knows what he did was wrong. I want to stop punishing him for rebelling after my years of mistreating him and I want to forgive what he did although I may never forget... I know I am rambling and this is a long story, thanks to all who took the time to read and thanks for any advice any of you can give. I am torn and lost and not sure which direction to go here... Please no verbal bashing... not good for me right now.Ok,some good answers but one that really made it worse, anyone have any encouraging words?
I think you might want to continue your therapy and medication(if you are on any) before making any decisions about your marriage.If you just recently started treatment, you certainly have to give your therapy some time to really work out your past issues. You do not sound as though you really know what you want right now. On one hand you say you are to blame, and then you state that you do not know how to forgive him. I can only tell you that if your marriage is going to last, trust between the two of you must be unconditional. I think there are plenty od issues here and time will only tell. You might want your husband to go into marriage counseling too. It usually takes two to create problems, and two people to save a marriage.Ok,some good answers but one that really made it worse, anyone have any encouraging words?
Listen to yourself. You were both wrong. When you get upset go do something, release the energy. Keep yourself busy. Talk to friends, make new friends. You may not feel up to it but do it every day. Pray. God bless you.
I suggest you call a marriage counselor before your marriage gets any more out of hand. You go first and bring him later.myspace quizzes Will giving my 6 week old
OK I'm going to leave out all the unimportant details or i'd be typing all day here... I'm in need of some serious advice. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married since June 27th 2009. Once we got married it was like it all went downhill from there. We were in the process of building a house which finally completed on Aug 27th 2009 and we moved in the following weekend. Ever since we'd been in the house it was nothing but fighting fighting fighting... arguing over very stupid stuff and just kinda picking at eachother. Well on sept 27th there was a huge blow out in the middle of the night in regards to the puppy ( a pit bull) my husband decided to get which I said i was ok with as long as he took care of it... I have too much other stress to deal with a puppy, well he wouldn't get up and let the dog out even though he didn't have to work the next day and I did and it ended up being a complete blow out because he thought I should've done it because his birthday was the next day... The next 3 days were horrible. We fought every night, screaming matches... he left the next 3 nights in a row and I basically went nuts, no joke... sat with our 2 year old daughter on his moving car to get him to stay. Well I ended up admitting myself into the psych ward on Oct 1st because of advice from close family, friends and of course my husband. Well come to find out, the whole time I was in the hospital he was partyin it up and pawning our daughter off on grandparents. The night he dropped me off when he left he went to a well known night club where we live and ran into his high school girlfriends brother, got her phone number and texted her all night including a text saying he thought he might be ';going through the big D and didn't mean dallas.'; 2 days later he texted her inviting her to hang out with him. I found out about this all in my own ways and he admitted to it. He says my going to the hospital was my way to cope and his way to cope was to rebel. I have been a very controlling untrusting jealous person throughout our entire relationship all due to things that have happened to me in the past. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He did nothing more than text the girl and did not hang out with her, but because of infidelity in a previous relationship of mine and my promise to myself to never put myself through this again, I continue to struggle. I know most of your responses will be get rid of him, but something i haven't quite explained here is what a good man he really is. He has put up with a lot from me in the last 6 years and I think we both had our breaking points at the same time. His actions were completely and utterly out of character for him. Everyone who knew him was completely baffled by what he had done. I got out of the psych ward and I have a new outlook on life. I am currently ungergoing EMDR treatments for the BPD and am in counseling regularly. My husband buys me cards, flowers praises me everyday, apologizes everyday, says he is more in love with me now than ever... I have a hard time believeing him, but shouldn't I?? He'd be gone if he didn't want to be with me. No one is holding him hostage... I don't know how to forgive him for what he did. I know I did a lot to him, but what he did put a huge hole in my heart and if any of you know anythign about BPD I go from mad to sad at the drop of a hat and one minute I want to cry about it, one minute I am full of rage. I cry about it and he lets me verbally bash him when I get this way, takes it like a man because he knows what he did was wrong. I want to stop punishing him for rebelling after my years of mistreating him and I want to forgive what he did although I may never forget... I know I am rambling and this is a long story, thanks to all who took the time to read and thanks for any advice any of you can give. I am torn and lost and not sure which direction to go here... Please no verbal bashing... not good for me right now.Ok,some good answers but one that really made it worse, anyone have any encouraging words?
I think you might want to continue your therapy and medication(if you are on any) before making any decisions about your marriage.If you just recently started treatment, you certainly have to give your therapy some time to really work out your past issues. You do not sound as though you really know what you want right now. On one hand you say you are to blame, and then you state that you do not know how to forgive him. I can only tell you that if your marriage is going to last, trust between the two of you must be unconditional. I think there are plenty od issues here and time will only tell. You might want your husband to go into marriage counseling too. It usually takes two to create problems, and two people to save a marriage.Ok,some good answers but one that really made it worse, anyone have any encouraging words?
Listen to yourself. You were both wrong. When you get upset go do something, release the energy. Keep yourself busy. Talk to friends, make new friends. You may not feel up to it but do it every day. Pray. God bless you.
I suggest you call a marriage counselor before your marriage gets any more out of hand. You go first and bring him later.
It's time for me to let it out and get some advice on forgiveness...?
OK I'm going to leave out all the unimportant details or i'd be typing all day here... I'm in need of some serious advice. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married since June 27th 2009. Once we got married it was like it all went downhill from there. We were in the process of building a house which finally completed on Aug 27th 2009 and we moved in the following weekend. Ever since we'd been in the house it was nothing but fighting fighting fighting... arguing over very stupid stuff and just kinda picking at eachother. Well on sept 27th there was a huge blow out in the middle of the night in regards to the puppy ( a pit bull) my husband decided to get which I said i was ok with as long as he took care of it... I have too much other stress to deal with a puppy, well he wouldn't get up and let the dog out even though he didn't have to work the next day and I did and it ended up being a complete blow out because he thought I should've done it because his birthday was the next day... The next 3 days were horrible. We fought every night, screaming matches... he left the next 3 nights in a row and I basically went nuts, no joke... sat with our 2 year old daughter on his moving car to get him to stay. Well I ended up admitting myself into the psych ward on Oct 1st because of advice from close family, friends and of course my husband. Well come to find out, the whole time I was in the hospital he was partyin it up and pawning our daughter off on grandparents. The night he dropped me off when he left he went to a well known night club where we live and ran into his high school girlfriends brother, got her phone number and texted her all night. 2 days later he texted her inviting her to hang out with him. I found out about this all in my own ways and he admitted to it. He says my going to the hospital was my way to cope and his way to cope was to rebel. I have been a very controlling untrusting jealous person throughout our entire relationship all due to things that have happened to me in the past. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He did nothing more than text the girl and did not hang out with her, but because of infidelity in a previous relationship of mine and my promise to myself to never put myself through this again, I continue to struggle. I know most of your responses will be get rid of him, but something i haven't quite explained here is what a good man he really is. He has put up with a lot from me in the last 6 years and I think we both had our breaking points at the same time. His actions were completely and utterly out of character for him. Everyone who knew him was completely baffled by what he had done. I got out of the psych ward and I have a new outlook on life. I am currently ungergoing EMDR treatments for the BPD and am in counseling regularly. My husband buys me cards, flowers praises me everyday, apologizes everyday, says he is more in love with me now than ever... I have a hard time believeing him, but shouldn't I?? He'd be gone if he didn't want to be with me. No one is holding him hostage... I don't know how to forgive him for what he did. I know I did a lot to him, but what he did put a huge hole in my heart and if any of you know anythign about BPD I go from mad to sad at the drop of a hat and one minute I want to cry about it, one minute I am full of rage. I cry about it and he lets me verbally bash him when I get this way, takes it like a man because he knows what he did was wrong. I want to stop punishing him for rebelling after my years of mistreating him and I want to forgive what he did although I may never forget... I know I am rambling and this is a long story, thanks to all who took the time to read and thanks for any advice any of you can give. I am torn and lost and not sure which direction to go here... Please no verbal bashing... not good for me right now.
PS, is it just me or has 27 become my unlucky number?It's time for me to let it out and get some advice on forgiveness...?
Sweety this is a start to a new beginning of life for the 2 of you..The 2 of you obviously have a strong bond and love that is helping you get through this together..
Your on your way to a very clean start, just continue your counseling and the medicines that have been given to you for your diagnosis..Don't let this get the best of you and your marriage, it's not worth it..You do need to forgive him..He is still there with you and loves you more than ever so that right there is the most important thing and it is going to keep your marriage going and not in divorce..
You have yourself what sounds like a wonderful man so don't let him go or ruin it..
Good luck to you and your family!!!It's time for me to let it out and get some advice on forgiveness...?
Hello my name is Dakota and I think it is very courage of you to have placed your question for all to see. I am very aware of Borderline Personality Disorder. My daughter has it. If I totally agree with her then I rock, when I disagree, or don't allow her to use me, the she does everything she can think of to destroy me both verbally, emotionally and phychially. She is 27 and took out a bogus restraining order that I punched her in the stomach during her 7th month of pregnacy even though I was the one to call the police because she was becomeing uncontrollable. Well the judge awarded her the restraining order for the next 2 years. That was Nov. 24, 2007
She gave birth to my grandson in Jan. 2008. I have not seen him, held him, because of the restraining order. I know I have grandparent rights but I am not about to go up against someone who refuses to admit that she has Borderliine Personality Disorder and has done nothing for herself. Congrats to you for going through the challenges of restoring your thinking.
Now back to your situation. Although your husbands behavior while you were in the hospital was off the wall according to how you describe him and his normal reactions to things, I know its hard but try to forgive. If you balance the equation out your behavior for so many years before you were diagnosised was trully bazarr but your husband was there for you even though neither of you knew what was trully going on with you.
Love means not counting each others mistakes. Or character assination. In other words, Love is not cruel, it does not measure offensives, Love is Kind, Love Forgives, Love Creates (like your daughter) its a hard concept to wrap oneself's brain around when you are so terrible hurt. Also I believe you are suffering from Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. I say that because of the reaction you give regarding your husband texting this girl. You said that someone cheated on you once before and you would not let that happen to you again, perhaps all the pain from that relationship has risen again and now is included in what your husband did when you were in the hospital.
Could you possibly be over reacting because of past pain? If so that's PTSD.
First Concentrate on your Recovery, Second Remember what Love Does and Doesn't Do.
Be grateful that your husband and you are still together the rest is like they say small potatoes.
Good Luck to you
You are in a tough situation. The only way this can work out is if there is going to be forgiveness from your side , you cannot bring the past into each others face. On the other hand,it sounds like you are pretty fed up with each other. These type of situations are not appropriate for no one. If you can get strength and gain some dignity, by all means , take time away from each other. During that time you go out with friends and enjoy yourself to the max and I'm sure that is going to take you to making a final decision,which will be for the best. If deep inside you feel that he has not appreciated you, tell yourself ,he does not deserve me. We have got to value ourselves more. Wish you the best.
I'm sorry you feel so consumed with this and understand the struggle to forgive. I have serious issues with forgiveness. But In your case, when you look at how you know that you blew up at him, you said yourself that you have serious control issues, you said that you have extreme jealousy issues from your past, you said yourself that you sat on his car so that he can't leave.
With all of the SELF evaluation, that should make it easier to take a look at what this man was going through at the time and why he resulted to such extreme behavior that you yourself said is out of character for him.
Honey, I'm soo sorry you are feeling this way but I think that if you just would think about who he was living with at the time and the drama/stress that he was under, you should feel very bad for him and do alot of work on self (which I hear you say you are doing) and take responsibility that you pushed him out the door. I don't want to beat you up about your past we all make mistakes but though I understand unforgiveness because I wrestle with it, when I wronged the person and their hurt towards me was a reaction, then it's much easier for me to put myself in their shoes and forgive them.
You shouldn't allow your household to blow up over who's going to take the dog out. Just ask yourself is it really worth it and take the dog out. Pick your battles carefully!!!! You say he's a wonderful man.
P.S. When people mistreat their spouses, there is always someone else out there who is willing to treat them better. I hope you remember that when you get that desire to act out.
I hope YOU get better (emotionally and mentally) and do all the work it takes to get YOU better so that your marriage will get better.
Best Wishes!
PS, is it just me or has 27 become my unlucky number?It's time for me to let it out and get some advice on forgiveness...?
Sweety this is a start to a new beginning of life for the 2 of you..The 2 of you obviously have a strong bond and love that is helping you get through this together..
Your on your way to a very clean start, just continue your counseling and the medicines that have been given to you for your diagnosis..Don't let this get the best of you and your marriage, it's not worth it..You do need to forgive him..He is still there with you and loves you more than ever so that right there is the most important thing and it is going to keep your marriage going and not in divorce..
You have yourself what sounds like a wonderful man so don't let him go or ruin it..
Good luck to you and your family!!!It's time for me to let it out and get some advice on forgiveness...?
Hello my name is Dakota and I think it is very courage of you to have placed your question for all to see. I am very aware of Borderline Personality Disorder. My daughter has it. If I totally agree with her then I rock, when I disagree, or don't allow her to use me, the she does everything she can think of to destroy me both verbally, emotionally and phychially. She is 27 and took out a bogus restraining order that I punched her in the stomach during her 7th month of pregnacy even though I was the one to call the police because she was becomeing uncontrollable. Well the judge awarded her the restraining order for the next 2 years. That was Nov. 24, 2007
She gave birth to my grandson in Jan. 2008. I have not seen him, held him, because of the restraining order. I know I have grandparent rights but I am not about to go up against someone who refuses to admit that she has Borderliine Personality Disorder and has done nothing for herself. Congrats to you for going through the challenges of restoring your thinking.
Now back to your situation. Although your husbands behavior while you were in the hospital was off the wall according to how you describe him and his normal reactions to things, I know its hard but try to forgive. If you balance the equation out your behavior for so many years before you were diagnosised was trully bazarr but your husband was there for you even though neither of you knew what was trully going on with you.
Love means not counting each others mistakes. Or character assination. In other words, Love is not cruel, it does not measure offensives, Love is Kind, Love Forgives, Love Creates (like your daughter) its a hard concept to wrap oneself's brain around when you are so terrible hurt. Also I believe you are suffering from Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. I say that because of the reaction you give regarding your husband texting this girl. You said that someone cheated on you once before and you would not let that happen to you again, perhaps all the pain from that relationship has risen again and now is included in what your husband did when you were in the hospital.
Could you possibly be over reacting because of past pain? If so that's PTSD.
First Concentrate on your Recovery, Second Remember what Love Does and Doesn't Do.
Be grateful that your husband and you are still together the rest is like they say small potatoes.
Good Luck to you
You are in a tough situation. The only way this can work out is if there is going to be forgiveness from your side , you cannot bring the past into each others face. On the other hand,it sounds like you are pretty fed up with each other. These type of situations are not appropriate for no one. If you can get strength and gain some dignity, by all means , take time away from each other. During that time you go out with friends and enjoy yourself to the max and I'm sure that is going to take you to making a final decision,which will be for the best. If deep inside you feel that he has not appreciated you, tell yourself ,he does not deserve me. We have got to value ourselves more. Wish you the best.
I'm sorry you feel so consumed with this and understand the struggle to forgive. I have serious issues with forgiveness. But In your case, when you look at how you know that you blew up at him, you said yourself that you have serious control issues, you said that you have extreme jealousy issues from your past, you said yourself that you sat on his car so that he can't leave.
With all of the SELF evaluation, that should make it easier to take a look at what this man was going through at the time and why he resulted to such extreme behavior that you yourself said is out of character for him.
Honey, I'm soo sorry you are feeling this way but I think that if you just would think about who he was living with at the time and the drama/stress that he was under, you should feel very bad for him and do alot of work on self (which I hear you say you are doing) and take responsibility that you pushed him out the door. I don't want to beat you up about your past we all make mistakes but though I understand unforgiveness because I wrestle with it, when I wronged the person and their hurt towards me was a reaction, then it's much easier for me to put myself in their shoes and forgive them.
You shouldn't allow your household to blow up over who's going to take the dog out. Just ask yourself is it really worth it and take the dog out. Pick your battles carefully!!!! You say he's a wonderful man.
P.S. When people mistreat their spouses, there is always someone else out there who is willing to treat them better. I hope you remember that when you get that desire to act out.
I hope YOU get better (emotionally and mentally) and do all the work it takes to get YOU better so that your marriage will get better.
Best Wishes!
I know its long but please read and advise?
I put this in marriage and divorce and got no responses so I'm trying this section out because maybe you all will be more understanding... need some advice on forgiving
OK I'm going to leave out all the unimportant details or i'd be typing all day here... I'm in need of some serious advice. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married since June 27th 2009. Once we got married it was like it all went downhill from there. We were in the process of building a house which finally completed on Aug 27th 2009 and we moved in the following weekend. Ever since we'd been in the house it was nothing but fighting fighting fighting... arguing over very stupid stuff and just kinda picking at eachother. Well on sept 27th there was a huge blow out in the middle of the night in regards to the puppy ( a pit bull) my husband decided to get which I said i was ok with as long as he took care of it... I have too much other stress to deal with a puppy, well he wouldn't get up and let the dog out even though he didn't have to work the next day and I did and it ended up being a complete blow out because he thought I should've done it because his birthday was the next day... The next 3 days were horrible. We fought every night, screaming matches... he left the next 3 nights in a row and I basically went nuts, no joke... sat with our 2 year old daughter on his moving car to get him to stay. Well I ended up admitting myself into the psych ward on Oct 1st because of advice from close family, friends and of course my husband. Well come to find out, the whole time I was in the hospital he was partyin it up and pawning our daughter off on grandparents. The night he dropped me off when he left he went to a well known night club where we live and ran into his high school girlfriends brother, got her phone number and texted her all night including a text saying he thought he might be ';going through the big D and didn't mean dallas.'; 2 days later he texted her inviting her to hang out with him. I found out about this all in my own ways and he admitted to it. He says my going to the hospital was my way to cope and his way to cope was to rebel. I have been a very controlling untrusting jealous person throughout our entire relationship all due to things that have happened to me in the past. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He did nothing more than text the girl and did not hang out with her, but because of infidelity in a previous relationship of mine and my promise to myself to never put myself through this again, I continue to struggle. I know most of your responses will be get rid of him, but something i haven't quite explained here is what a good man he really is. He has put up with a lot from me in the last 6 years and I think we both had our breaking points at the same time. His actions were completely and utterly out of character for him. Everyone who knew him was completely baffled by what he had done. I got out of the psych ward and I have a new outlook on life. I am currently ungergoing EMDR treatments for the BPD and am in counseling regularly. My husband buys me cards, flowers praises me everyday, apologizes everyday, says he is more in love with me now than ever... I have a hard time believeing him, but shouldn't I?? He'd be gone if he didn't want to be with me. No one is holding him hostage... I don't know how to forgive him for what he did. I know I did a lot to him, but what he did put a huge hole in my heart and if any of you know anythign about BPD I go from mad to sad at the drop of a hat and one minute I want to cry about it, one minute I am full of rage. I cry about it and he lets me verbally bash him when I get this way, takes it like a man because he knows what he did was wrong. I want to stop punishing him for rebelling after my years of mistreating him and I want to forgive what he did although I may never forget... I know I am rambling and this is a long story, thanks to all who took the time to read and thanks for any advice any of you can give. I am torn and lost and not sure which direction to go here... Please no verbal bashing... not good for me right now.
PS, is it just me or has 27 become my unlucky number?I know its long but please read and advise?
i think you just getting it out into the open, and off your chest has done more for you than anyone here ever can.
keep it up, and you will soon find the answer is within you.
good luckI know its long but please read and advise?
i have a hard time forgiving people myself, especially if they dont apologize
Prayer can be helpful. Know that God can help you live a better life if you want Him to help you. You can have a personal relationship with God by saying the prayer below. God is our Creator, all-knowing, all-powerful, eternal, holy, love. God loves us and sent us His Son, Jesus Christ, so we can go to heaven if we know and follow Him. Forever means without end -- time on and on without death. Forever is what happens after we die. Either we go to heaven and be with God forever, or we go to hell which is very bad and painful forever. The good people who are saved believers in Jesus Christ go to heaven. The bad people go to hell. We need to know and follow God in this world to get to heaven in the next world. We follow God by loving and obeying Him and loving others for Him. Jesus Christ, God's Son, is our bridge to God. Jesus died on the cross to cancel our sins. We need to accept Jesus into our life as our Lord and Savior forever to receive God's blessing and forgiveness plus go to heaven to be with God forever after we die. This is about being a born-again Christian. Faith in God is a gift from God. You can pray for faith in God. Just speak out and ask God for the faith to believe in Him and to follow Him. Some people find faith in God when they realize the beauty in the world is made by God. Evolution can't explain the world's natural beauty, for example, the parks in the world, animals, flowers, peacocks, sunsets, butterflies, rainbows, etc. After you have your faith on, you can pray a sinner's prayer to be a born-again Christian. This prayer is very important and should be said with a sincere heart and faith in God. This is the prayer: ';Dear God, I know that I am a sinner and that Jesus Christ is the sacrifice for our sins. I have done the following sins (state these out) and I pray to discontinue these sins. I pray to receive Jesus Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior forever. In Jesus' name, amen.'; I'm Lutheran and I like the Baptist churches too. You could check out a Christian church and also their weekly Bible study group to learn about God's will for your life. You can pray to God about your daily life and have a Christian church pray for you.
Well I don't think I'm mature enough to answer your question correctly, but it's yahoo answers anyway.
I think first of all: Are you willing to forgive him? Do you want to forgive him? If the answer is yes, then I think you both just need time to get over it. It's not just some argument about a dog, it's him contemplating divorce at one time. Did he explain what he did, why he said that? Judging from your paragraph, it sounds like he's basically a caring person, and that was a one off thing, Perhaps it suddenly hit him that ';Whoa! I'm married! MARRIED!'; Maybe it just suddenly hit him.
Personally if my husband did that to me, I would never forget it as well, and I highly doubt people would blame us. Divorce is not a word to throw around.
He has to understand that you need time to forgive him.
Good luck =]
Since you have BPD, you know you can be a handful to deal with. BPD has both a genetic component and a trauma component that (usually) has occurred in childhood. Your emotional instability is fairly typical of BPD, also. One of your problems stemmed from the fact that you believed or expected that he would ALWAYS do 100% of what was necessary to take care of the dog, that he would be perfect. It was an unrealistic belief or expectation because no one is perfect. And that most likely stems from your BPD. The two of you need to be in counseling because you shouldn't be verbally abusing him and he shouldn't be tolerating your verbal abuse. The fact that you have BPD does not give you a license to verbally abuse another living thing. If you have serious issues about having a pit bull then address that with him and resolve it. If not, then apologize for starting the fight and pull yourself together. You are responsible for controlling your BPD, not him.
OK I'm going to leave out all the unimportant details or i'd be typing all day here... I'm in need of some serious advice. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married since June 27th 2009. Once we got married it was like it all went downhill from there. We were in the process of building a house which finally completed on Aug 27th 2009 and we moved in the following weekend. Ever since we'd been in the house it was nothing but fighting fighting fighting... arguing over very stupid stuff and just kinda picking at eachother. Well on sept 27th there was a huge blow out in the middle of the night in regards to the puppy ( a pit bull) my husband decided to get which I said i was ok with as long as he took care of it... I have too much other stress to deal with a puppy, well he wouldn't get up and let the dog out even though he didn't have to work the next day and I did and it ended up being a complete blow out because he thought I should've done it because his birthday was the next day... The next 3 days were horrible. We fought every night, screaming matches... he left the next 3 nights in a row and I basically went nuts, no joke... sat with our 2 year old daughter on his moving car to get him to stay. Well I ended up admitting myself into the psych ward on Oct 1st because of advice from close family, friends and of course my husband. Well come to find out, the whole time I was in the hospital he was partyin it up and pawning our daughter off on grandparents. The night he dropped me off when he left he went to a well known night club where we live and ran into his high school girlfriends brother, got her phone number and texted her all night including a text saying he thought he might be ';going through the big D and didn't mean dallas.'; 2 days later he texted her inviting her to hang out with him. I found out about this all in my own ways and he admitted to it. He says my going to the hospital was my way to cope and his way to cope was to rebel. I have been a very controlling untrusting jealous person throughout our entire relationship all due to things that have happened to me in the past. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He did nothing more than text the girl and did not hang out with her, but because of infidelity in a previous relationship of mine and my promise to myself to never put myself through this again, I continue to struggle. I know most of your responses will be get rid of him, but something i haven't quite explained here is what a good man he really is. He has put up with a lot from me in the last 6 years and I think we both had our breaking points at the same time. His actions were completely and utterly out of character for him. Everyone who knew him was completely baffled by what he had done. I got out of the psych ward and I have a new outlook on life. I am currently ungergoing EMDR treatments for the BPD and am in counseling regularly. My husband buys me cards, flowers praises me everyday, apologizes everyday, says he is more in love with me now than ever... I have a hard time believeing him, but shouldn't I?? He'd be gone if he didn't want to be with me. No one is holding him hostage... I don't know how to forgive him for what he did. I know I did a lot to him, but what he did put a huge hole in my heart and if any of you know anythign about BPD I go from mad to sad at the drop of a hat and one minute I want to cry about it, one minute I am full of rage. I cry about it and he lets me verbally bash him when I get this way, takes it like a man because he knows what he did was wrong. I want to stop punishing him for rebelling after my years of mistreating him and I want to forgive what he did although I may never forget... I know I am rambling and this is a long story, thanks to all who took the time to read and thanks for any advice any of you can give. I am torn and lost and not sure which direction to go here... Please no verbal bashing... not good for me right now.
PS, is it just me or has 27 become my unlucky number?I know its long but please read and advise?
i think you just getting it out into the open, and off your chest has done more for you than anyone here ever can.
keep it up, and you will soon find the answer is within you.
good luckI know its long but please read and advise?
i have a hard time forgiving people myself, especially if they dont apologize
Prayer can be helpful. Know that God can help you live a better life if you want Him to help you. You can have a personal relationship with God by saying the prayer below. God is our Creator, all-knowing, all-powerful, eternal, holy, love. God loves us and sent us His Son, Jesus Christ, so we can go to heaven if we know and follow Him. Forever means without end -- time on and on without death. Forever is what happens after we die. Either we go to heaven and be with God forever, or we go to hell which is very bad and painful forever. The good people who are saved believers in Jesus Christ go to heaven. The bad people go to hell. We need to know and follow God in this world to get to heaven in the next world. We follow God by loving and obeying Him and loving others for Him. Jesus Christ, God's Son, is our bridge to God. Jesus died on the cross to cancel our sins. We need to accept Jesus into our life as our Lord and Savior forever to receive God's blessing and forgiveness plus go to heaven to be with God forever after we die. This is about being a born-again Christian. Faith in God is a gift from God. You can pray for faith in God. Just speak out and ask God for the faith to believe in Him and to follow Him. Some people find faith in God when they realize the beauty in the world is made by God. Evolution can't explain the world's natural beauty, for example, the parks in the world, animals, flowers, peacocks, sunsets, butterflies, rainbows, etc. After you have your faith on, you can pray a sinner's prayer to be a born-again Christian. This prayer is very important and should be said with a sincere heart and faith in God. This is the prayer: ';Dear God, I know that I am a sinner and that Jesus Christ is the sacrifice for our sins. I have done the following sins (state these out) and I pray to discontinue these sins. I pray to receive Jesus Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior forever. In Jesus' name, amen.'; I'm Lutheran and I like the Baptist churches too. You could check out a Christian church and also their weekly Bible study group to learn about God's will for your life. You can pray to God about your daily life and have a Christian church pray for you.
Well I don't think I'm mature enough to answer your question correctly, but it's yahoo answers anyway.
I think first of all: Are you willing to forgive him? Do you want to forgive him? If the answer is yes, then I think you both just need time to get over it. It's not just some argument about a dog, it's him contemplating divorce at one time. Did he explain what he did, why he said that? Judging from your paragraph, it sounds like he's basically a caring person, and that was a one off thing, Perhaps it suddenly hit him that ';Whoa! I'm married! MARRIED!'; Maybe it just suddenly hit him.
Personally if my husband did that to me, I would never forget it as well, and I highly doubt people would blame us. Divorce is not a word to throw around.
He has to understand that you need time to forgive him.
Good luck =]
Since you have BPD, you know you can be a handful to deal with. BPD has both a genetic component and a trauma component that (usually) has occurred in childhood. Your emotional instability is fairly typical of BPD, also. One of your problems stemmed from the fact that you believed or expected that he would ALWAYS do 100% of what was necessary to take care of the dog, that he would be perfect. It was an unrealistic belief or expectation because no one is perfect. And that most likely stems from your BPD. The two of you need to be in counseling because you shouldn't be verbally abusing him and he shouldn't be tolerating your verbal abuse. The fact that you have BPD does not give you a license to verbally abuse another living thing. If you have serious issues about having a pit bull then address that with him and resolve it. If not, then apologize for starting the fight and pull yourself together. You are responsible for controlling your BPD, not him.
Need some more encouraging words and no more bashing please, feeling sad.?
Just to add... because of a previous answer I got... I do help with the dog and I do love the thing, and this is not all about a dog, its about 6 years of suppressed anger, please read on...
OK I'm going to leave out all the unimportant details or i'd be typing all day here... I'm in need of some serious advice. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married since June 27th 2009. Once we got married it was like it all went downhill from there. We were in the process of building a house which finally completed on Aug 27th 2009 and we moved in the following weekend. Ever since we'd been in the house it was nothing but fighting fighting fighting... arguing over very stupid stuff and just kinda picking at eachother. Well on sept 27th there was a huge blow out in the middle of the night in regards to the puppy ( a pit bull) my husband decided to get which I said i was ok with as long as he took care of it... I have too much other stress to deal with a puppy, well he wouldn't get up and let the dog out even though he didn't have to work the next day and I did and it ended up being a complete blow out because he thought I should've done it because his birthday was the next day... The next 3 days were horrible. We fought every night, screaming matches... he left the next 3 nights in a row and I basically went nuts, no joke... sat with our 2 year old daughter on his moving car to get him to stay. Well I ended up admitting myself into the psych ward on Oct 1st because of advice from close family, friends and of course my husband. Well come to find out, the whole time I was in the hospital he was partyin it up and pawning our daughter off on grandparents. The night he dropped me off when he left he went to a well known night club where we live and ran into his high school girlfriends brother, got her phone number and texted her all night including a text saying he thought he might be ';going through the big D and didn't mean dallas.'; 2 days later he texted her inviting her to hang out with him. I found out about this all in my own ways and he admitted to it. He says my going to the hospital was my way to cope and his way to cope was to rebel. I have been a very controlling untrusting jealous person throughout our entire relationship all due to things that have happened to me in the past. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He did nothing more than text the girl and did not hang out with her, but because of infidelity in a previous relationship of mine and my promise to myself to never put myself through this again, I continue to struggle. I know most of your responses will be get rid of him, but something i haven't quite explained here is what a good man he really is. He has put up with a lot from me in the last 6 years and I think we both had our breaking points at the same time. His actions were completely and utterly out of character for him. Everyone who knew him was completely baffled by what he had done. I got out of the psych ward and I have a new outlook on life. I am currently ungergoing EMDR treatments for the BPD and am in counseling regularly. My husband buys me cards, flowers praises me everyday, apologizes everyday, says he is more in love with me now than ever... I have a hard time believeing him, but shouldn't I?? He'd be gone if he didn't want to be with me. No one is holding him hostage... I don't know how to forgive him for what he did. I know I did a lot to him, but what he did put a huge hole in my heart and if any of you know anythign about BPD I go from mad to sad at the drop of a hat and one minute I want to cry about it, one minute I am full of rage. I cry about it and he lets me verbally bash him when I get this way, takes it like a man because he knows what he did was wrong. I want to stop punishing him for rebelling after my years of mistreating him and I want to forgive what he did although I may never forget... I know I am rambling and this is a long story, thanks to all who took the time to read and thanks for any advice any of you can give. I am torn and lost and not sure which direction to go here... Please no verbal bashing... not good for me right now.Need some more encouraging words and no more bashing please, feeling sad.?
wow, I can't believe I read all that. But seriously, get into therapy by yourself and marriage counseling with your husband, because your daughter is going to pay the price for what is going on between you 2.Need some more encouraging words and no more bashing please, feeling sad.?
I'll wait for the Readers Digest condensed version.
Okay, first of all, are you on medication for your BPD, and have you begun counseling? Having a past that hurts is all good and fine, but you can't blame the way you act toward your husband on that. What you really need to be doing, instead of asking for advice (and its still not clear to me WHAT you're asking for, advice-wise) go seek out a really good counselor, and see him/her at LEAST once a week. Sitting on a moving vehicle and involving your child, your BABY in an altercation with your husband proves that you are NOT sane enough to properly take care of your child. Anything could have happened to that baby, whats wrong with you?! I have two babies, one 4 years and 1 is 5 months, and I would NEVER involve my children in an argument with my husband. If he wants to leave, let him go! You knew all the time what you were doing, placing all of your past tragedies on him, that's really not fair. There are no encouraging words from what you've explained. You just need to go admit yourself once again, and get help, and get well, or the state will end up taking that baby away from you. The last thing you need to worry about is your husband's extra curricular activities. You need to heal your past wounds and make a safe home for your child to reside. you can't do that right now. Please go get some help.
I am with Master Shake. You need counseling. You have a lot of anger issues, too. I'd work on that.
OK, That is a very sad and heartbreaking story to read BUT I believe you are on the right track and you should continue your counseling on a daily basis like you should be and I to have trust issues as well and I know how extremely difficult it is when you've been hurt before BUT you need to stop the fighting and watch your tone for a few months and see if his reactions change, I know it may sound weird but if you change how you think and say things to a positive level your marriage and your state of mind will improve. I have done it myself and it has took a 360 for the better. And I think your a strong determine woman and can do it too.
So your husband is treating you well now. What's the problem? Is it that you feel guilty for acting the way you did for all of those years? It's time to forgive yourself and stop sweating the small stuff. It sounds to me like you are analizing this situation to death. Just focus your energy on being a good wife and mother. Time will heal everything.
There is absolutely nothing for you to do aside from concentrating on your own recovery. Right now you need to continue treatement and medication and concentrate on the fact that your husband is standing by you even when by your own admitance you have been horrible, paranoid, jealous, controlling and unstrusting. He by your own accounts has been supportive, apologized for his error in judgement and you even admit yourself that YOU have misstreated HIM for years.
So what exactly is it that you have to forgive him for? Forget about what he did that night when you admit yourself you might have driven him towards it. If you cannot let go of that you might never ever get your marriage to work. Your husband is obviously concentrating in the important thing, you, your daughter and your marriage.
Try to do the same. Stop comparing him to the men in your past because he isnt like them obviously since you married him and he has stuck by your side at your lowest point.
Try and try and try some more, you can do it. Choose to be happy. It's hard and painful and sometimes seems impossible but when you want to say something mean think about it before it comes out. Ask yourself what difference is it going to make if I say this? is it going to make my marriage better? is it going to make me happy? Is it going to make HIM happy?
You have the future of your marriage in your hands. Let go to the past and concentrate on the good things, for your daughter's your husband's and your own sake.
Stop blaming your husband for your problems and stop punishing him. I'm sure he's got issues and is not perfect either but seriously? Stop making him the bad guy and start taking responsibility for your own actions. Crying and lashing out are two sides of the same coin: avoiding your own contributions to your own problems.
People who include petty details are people trying to avoid the larger truth. Sounds to me like you are close to admitting the larger truth but circling around it and I think he knows this too, which is probably why he puts up with so much from you. That and you're dynamic. He obviously loves the excitement being around you. But you can be exciting without being hurtful. Your baby needs to see you respect her father. Do you want her to never have a good relationship because she grows up thinking men are to be treated like a whipping dog?
I'm not bashing you, I'm telling you hard truths. You don't need more coddling, you need to buck up and act with honor. Take responsibility for your own failings and be ready to heal yourself instead of expecting others to do it for you.
Your relationship prior to treatment sounds like a train wreck, so I congratulate you for getting into treatment. I assume it's for Borderline? That's a hard row to hoe, and if your husband is being supportive, that's all you can ask of him. You have to know that it's extremely difficult to live with someone with this issue. I think you forgive him by deciding to, and moving forward.
My husband has bipolar, and he's terribly verbally abusive when he isn't doing well. Everytime it happens, I think of leaving him, because it's so unhealthy for me to stay and be subjected to the abuse. Just as I'm reaching my breaking point, he snaps out of it, and we go on with our life. All I'm saying, is that it's really hard to live with someone who has problems, yet he's forgiven you, supported you, and stayed all these years.
Maybe you can cut him a little slack and let this go.
Marriage counselling. Perhaps living together is not for you. my mom and her man were together for over 10 years before getting married. even when they were married, they couldn't live with eachother. they got a divorce, but still have a monogamous relationship. they still don't live together after 20 years, but live a 2 hour drive apart and that's how they're happy.
You do have a right to be pissed at your husband for hooking up with an ex behind your back. My husband talks to his ex, but the difference is that we have adult children and I am their step mom and a friend. They talk about family things and she is very nice to me and happily remarried. It helps that his ex was remarried when I met my hubby. Your husband feels bad because the idiot that tried to hook your brother up with an ex is plain stupid. I bet your hubby just talked and they decided that they did not want affairs and the lady probably turned him down or he turned her down. I think he is buying you nice things because he wants to cheer you up and be there for you like a good partner in life. Plan one day in the week to sit down and have a private meal together to just talk about things you have in common. Tell funny jokes, watch funny movies, or just do anything that you both enjoy together. My husband gets art supplies for me because he knows I love to paint. cheer up because it sounds like he is reaching out to you and it is up to you to do the same. A big hug to you both and just give each other some good old fashioned romance.
The truth is that you're still in recovery so you're hemming and hawing about what you should do. One suggestion may be to have your husband join you in some of the therapy you're undergoing so that he can get a better understanding of you and your jealousy and how this is affecting you. Embrace him .. don't push him away. He needed a break but he didn't break the marriage. You left him to find yourself and he needed to find himself as well - outside of his self being connected with you. Now is the time to heal. Now is the time to bring all the loose pieces together with the aid of a professional person to assist both of you. Once you're both on the same page and of the same mind .. he understanding more of you and your problem and you understanding that he is to be trusted despite your illness telling you otherwise ... then you can build on your marriage of trust and fidelity and grow old together and remain happy.
Let it go. He was probably thinking to himself that you and him weren鈥檛 going to make it, so needed someone to comfort him. That still isn鈥檛 an excuse, but if you know he loves you then why keep on about it. The question is do you still love him? If so, then move on from this, but if not then you need to figure out where you want to be and do it. Relationships are not always wonderful, but when you have been with someone for as long as you and him have been, then you are going to experience the devil because he doesn鈥檛 want anyone happy so he is going to come into your home and do what he can to destroy it. I know I am experiencing it as we speak.
You need to take control of your sickness, not for you and your husband but for your child. The child should not be submitted to such behavior. They do as they see.
Good Luck and I hope you can find your way.
I'm confused about two things: Why would anyone tell you to dump this man, who obviously has the patience of a saint? And what precisely did he ';do'; that was so heinous? He went out with friends and texted an old girlfriend. If you were in a healthy frame of mind, you'd be over that in two seconds.
You have nothing to forgive him for. Living with a person who suffers from BPD is hell, plain and simple. My best advice is to continue with treatment, and someday you'll come to the realization that no one who didn't love you past the stars would tolerate the drama and abuse that comes along with BPD. He blames your disease, not you. I hope you're extremely grateful for that.
Remember also that these feelings of being ';torn and lost';, and of wanting to punish him for absolutely nothing are part of the disease. That is not the way healthy people think, so listen to your doctor(s) and keep up with your treatment. Best of luck!
You have bpd....you will have a hard time no matter what. I hear you and actually think you sound pretty solid about understanding it which is a HUGE start. I know one person with bpd, it's my x wife, she hasn't quite dealt with it a well as yourself. But, if I remember right you can't keep piling up stuff on yourself. as far as forgiving your husband for the pain, which is extreme work for you, or anyone actually, you might just want to start fresh everyday. I know if you were more capable to juggle serveral issue it would be different but BPD deal you a different card. My wives specialist suggest just not boggle down on the past, start fresh every day. Forget forgiving, forget the event, just start today fresh with your husband, it will be too time consuming and get in the way of today if you don't let go. I think starting over everyday is the answer, mistake will be made, events will happen, it how we deal with it. It is your past that mess with your future. Eventually you get better at dealing with life, that is the goal to BPD
Time does not heal everything. You need to focus on healing yourself.
I am getting EMDR myself. I know how you feel, I have a history of trauma in my life. I don't have BPD but I have issues, none the less. (I don't know how diagnosed you with BPD, but you might want to get a second opinion....just a feeling.)
Stress is really difficult for you. I know how that feels. You NEED to make sure that you cut yourself some slack. Get help from friends/family and don't be afraid to do things for yoruself.
On the flip side - he sounds REALLY immature, I am sorry to say ---- and honestly, he might be a big part of your problem. You say he is a good man --- then be patient with each other.
Practice each day --- focusing on things you like about yourself --- and him. Focus on the positives. If he is a good man, then praise him for it. Tell him that you appreciate him -- for all the good he has done. Enjoy his love --- enjoy playing with the puppy. Enjoy your life iwth your daughter...Life is too short. Take responsibility for your actions, but but yourself slack.
:)
I don't like dogs.
OK I'm going to leave out all the unimportant details or i'd be typing all day here... I'm in need of some serious advice. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married since June 27th 2009. Once we got married it was like it all went downhill from there. We were in the process of building a house which finally completed on Aug 27th 2009 and we moved in the following weekend. Ever since we'd been in the house it was nothing but fighting fighting fighting... arguing over very stupid stuff and just kinda picking at eachother. Well on sept 27th there was a huge blow out in the middle of the night in regards to the puppy ( a pit bull) my husband decided to get which I said i was ok with as long as he took care of it... I have too much other stress to deal with a puppy, well he wouldn't get up and let the dog out even though he didn't have to work the next day and I did and it ended up being a complete blow out because he thought I should've done it because his birthday was the next day... The next 3 days were horrible. We fought every night, screaming matches... he left the next 3 nights in a row and I basically went nuts, no joke... sat with our 2 year old daughter on his moving car to get him to stay. Well I ended up admitting myself into the psych ward on Oct 1st because of advice from close family, friends and of course my husband. Well come to find out, the whole time I was in the hospital he was partyin it up and pawning our daughter off on grandparents. The night he dropped me off when he left he went to a well known night club where we live and ran into his high school girlfriends brother, got her phone number and texted her all night including a text saying he thought he might be ';going through the big D and didn't mean dallas.'; 2 days later he texted her inviting her to hang out with him. I found out about this all in my own ways and he admitted to it. He says my going to the hospital was my way to cope and his way to cope was to rebel. I have been a very controlling untrusting jealous person throughout our entire relationship all due to things that have happened to me in the past. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He did nothing more than text the girl and did not hang out with her, but because of infidelity in a previous relationship of mine and my promise to myself to never put myself through this again, I continue to struggle. I know most of your responses will be get rid of him, but something i haven't quite explained here is what a good man he really is. He has put up with a lot from me in the last 6 years and I think we both had our breaking points at the same time. His actions were completely and utterly out of character for him. Everyone who knew him was completely baffled by what he had done. I got out of the psych ward and I have a new outlook on life. I am currently ungergoing EMDR treatments for the BPD and am in counseling regularly. My husband buys me cards, flowers praises me everyday, apologizes everyday, says he is more in love with me now than ever... I have a hard time believeing him, but shouldn't I?? He'd be gone if he didn't want to be with me. No one is holding him hostage... I don't know how to forgive him for what he did. I know I did a lot to him, but what he did put a huge hole in my heart and if any of you know anythign about BPD I go from mad to sad at the drop of a hat and one minute I want to cry about it, one minute I am full of rage. I cry about it and he lets me verbally bash him when I get this way, takes it like a man because he knows what he did was wrong. I want to stop punishing him for rebelling after my years of mistreating him and I want to forgive what he did although I may never forget... I know I am rambling and this is a long story, thanks to all who took the time to read and thanks for any advice any of you can give. I am torn and lost and not sure which direction to go here... Please no verbal bashing... not good for me right now.Need some more encouraging words and no more bashing please, feeling sad.?
wow, I can't believe I read all that. But seriously, get into therapy by yourself and marriage counseling with your husband, because your daughter is going to pay the price for what is going on between you 2.Need some more encouraging words and no more bashing please, feeling sad.?
I'll wait for the Readers Digest condensed version.
Okay, first of all, are you on medication for your BPD, and have you begun counseling? Having a past that hurts is all good and fine, but you can't blame the way you act toward your husband on that. What you really need to be doing, instead of asking for advice (and its still not clear to me WHAT you're asking for, advice-wise) go seek out a really good counselor, and see him/her at LEAST once a week. Sitting on a moving vehicle and involving your child, your BABY in an altercation with your husband proves that you are NOT sane enough to properly take care of your child. Anything could have happened to that baby, whats wrong with you?! I have two babies, one 4 years and 1 is 5 months, and I would NEVER involve my children in an argument with my husband. If he wants to leave, let him go! You knew all the time what you were doing, placing all of your past tragedies on him, that's really not fair. There are no encouraging words from what you've explained. You just need to go admit yourself once again, and get help, and get well, or the state will end up taking that baby away from you. The last thing you need to worry about is your husband's extra curricular activities. You need to heal your past wounds and make a safe home for your child to reside. you can't do that right now. Please go get some help.
I am with Master Shake. You need counseling. You have a lot of anger issues, too. I'd work on that.
OK, That is a very sad and heartbreaking story to read BUT I believe you are on the right track and you should continue your counseling on a daily basis like you should be and I to have trust issues as well and I know how extremely difficult it is when you've been hurt before BUT you need to stop the fighting and watch your tone for a few months and see if his reactions change, I know it may sound weird but if you change how you think and say things to a positive level your marriage and your state of mind will improve. I have done it myself and it has took a 360 for the better. And I think your a strong determine woman and can do it too.
So your husband is treating you well now. What's the problem? Is it that you feel guilty for acting the way you did for all of those years? It's time to forgive yourself and stop sweating the small stuff. It sounds to me like you are analizing this situation to death. Just focus your energy on being a good wife and mother. Time will heal everything.
There is absolutely nothing for you to do aside from concentrating on your own recovery. Right now you need to continue treatement and medication and concentrate on the fact that your husband is standing by you even when by your own admitance you have been horrible, paranoid, jealous, controlling and unstrusting. He by your own accounts has been supportive, apologized for his error in judgement and you even admit yourself that YOU have misstreated HIM for years.
So what exactly is it that you have to forgive him for? Forget about what he did that night when you admit yourself you might have driven him towards it. If you cannot let go of that you might never ever get your marriage to work. Your husband is obviously concentrating in the important thing, you, your daughter and your marriage.
Try to do the same. Stop comparing him to the men in your past because he isnt like them obviously since you married him and he has stuck by your side at your lowest point.
Try and try and try some more, you can do it. Choose to be happy. It's hard and painful and sometimes seems impossible but when you want to say something mean think about it before it comes out. Ask yourself what difference is it going to make if I say this? is it going to make my marriage better? is it going to make me happy? Is it going to make HIM happy?
You have the future of your marriage in your hands. Let go to the past and concentrate on the good things, for your daughter's your husband's and your own sake.
Stop blaming your husband for your problems and stop punishing him. I'm sure he's got issues and is not perfect either but seriously? Stop making him the bad guy and start taking responsibility for your own actions. Crying and lashing out are two sides of the same coin: avoiding your own contributions to your own problems.
People who include petty details are people trying to avoid the larger truth. Sounds to me like you are close to admitting the larger truth but circling around it and I think he knows this too, which is probably why he puts up with so much from you. That and you're dynamic. He obviously loves the excitement being around you. But you can be exciting without being hurtful. Your baby needs to see you respect her father. Do you want her to never have a good relationship because she grows up thinking men are to be treated like a whipping dog?
I'm not bashing you, I'm telling you hard truths. You don't need more coddling, you need to buck up and act with honor. Take responsibility for your own failings and be ready to heal yourself instead of expecting others to do it for you.
Your relationship prior to treatment sounds like a train wreck, so I congratulate you for getting into treatment. I assume it's for Borderline? That's a hard row to hoe, and if your husband is being supportive, that's all you can ask of him. You have to know that it's extremely difficult to live with someone with this issue. I think you forgive him by deciding to, and moving forward.
My husband has bipolar, and he's terribly verbally abusive when he isn't doing well. Everytime it happens, I think of leaving him, because it's so unhealthy for me to stay and be subjected to the abuse. Just as I'm reaching my breaking point, he snaps out of it, and we go on with our life. All I'm saying, is that it's really hard to live with someone who has problems, yet he's forgiven you, supported you, and stayed all these years.
Maybe you can cut him a little slack and let this go.
Marriage counselling. Perhaps living together is not for you. my mom and her man were together for over 10 years before getting married. even when they were married, they couldn't live with eachother. they got a divorce, but still have a monogamous relationship. they still don't live together after 20 years, but live a 2 hour drive apart and that's how they're happy.
You do have a right to be pissed at your husband for hooking up with an ex behind your back. My husband talks to his ex, but the difference is that we have adult children and I am their step mom and a friend. They talk about family things and she is very nice to me and happily remarried. It helps that his ex was remarried when I met my hubby. Your husband feels bad because the idiot that tried to hook your brother up with an ex is plain stupid. I bet your hubby just talked and they decided that they did not want affairs and the lady probably turned him down or he turned her down. I think he is buying you nice things because he wants to cheer you up and be there for you like a good partner in life. Plan one day in the week to sit down and have a private meal together to just talk about things you have in common. Tell funny jokes, watch funny movies, or just do anything that you both enjoy together. My husband gets art supplies for me because he knows I love to paint. cheer up because it sounds like he is reaching out to you and it is up to you to do the same. A big hug to you both and just give each other some good old fashioned romance.
The truth is that you're still in recovery so you're hemming and hawing about what you should do. One suggestion may be to have your husband join you in some of the therapy you're undergoing so that he can get a better understanding of you and your jealousy and how this is affecting you. Embrace him .. don't push him away. He needed a break but he didn't break the marriage. You left him to find yourself and he needed to find himself as well - outside of his self being connected with you. Now is the time to heal. Now is the time to bring all the loose pieces together with the aid of a professional person to assist both of you. Once you're both on the same page and of the same mind .. he understanding more of you and your problem and you understanding that he is to be trusted despite your illness telling you otherwise ... then you can build on your marriage of trust and fidelity and grow old together and remain happy.
Let it go. He was probably thinking to himself that you and him weren鈥檛 going to make it, so needed someone to comfort him. That still isn鈥檛 an excuse, but if you know he loves you then why keep on about it. The question is do you still love him? If so, then move on from this, but if not then you need to figure out where you want to be and do it. Relationships are not always wonderful, but when you have been with someone for as long as you and him have been, then you are going to experience the devil because he doesn鈥檛 want anyone happy so he is going to come into your home and do what he can to destroy it. I know I am experiencing it as we speak.
You need to take control of your sickness, not for you and your husband but for your child. The child should not be submitted to such behavior. They do as they see.
Good Luck and I hope you can find your way.
I'm confused about two things: Why would anyone tell you to dump this man, who obviously has the patience of a saint? And what precisely did he ';do'; that was so heinous? He went out with friends and texted an old girlfriend. If you were in a healthy frame of mind, you'd be over that in two seconds.
You have nothing to forgive him for. Living with a person who suffers from BPD is hell, plain and simple. My best advice is to continue with treatment, and someday you'll come to the realization that no one who didn't love you past the stars would tolerate the drama and abuse that comes along with BPD. He blames your disease, not you. I hope you're extremely grateful for that.
Remember also that these feelings of being ';torn and lost';, and of wanting to punish him for absolutely nothing are part of the disease. That is not the way healthy people think, so listen to your doctor(s) and keep up with your treatment. Best of luck!
You have bpd....you will have a hard time no matter what. I hear you and actually think you sound pretty solid about understanding it which is a HUGE start. I know one person with bpd, it's my x wife, she hasn't quite dealt with it a well as yourself. But, if I remember right you can't keep piling up stuff on yourself. as far as forgiving your husband for the pain, which is extreme work for you, or anyone actually, you might just want to start fresh everyday. I know if you were more capable to juggle serveral issue it would be different but BPD deal you a different card. My wives specialist suggest just not boggle down on the past, start fresh every day. Forget forgiving, forget the event, just start today fresh with your husband, it will be too time consuming and get in the way of today if you don't let go. I think starting over everyday is the answer, mistake will be made, events will happen, it how we deal with it. It is your past that mess with your future. Eventually you get better at dealing with life, that is the goal to BPD
Time does not heal everything. You need to focus on healing yourself.
I am getting EMDR myself. I know how you feel, I have a history of trauma in my life. I don't have BPD but I have issues, none the less. (I don't know how diagnosed you with BPD, but you might want to get a second opinion....just a feeling.)
Stress is really difficult for you. I know how that feels. You NEED to make sure that you cut yourself some slack. Get help from friends/family and don't be afraid to do things for yoruself.
On the flip side - he sounds REALLY immature, I am sorry to say ---- and honestly, he might be a big part of your problem. You say he is a good man --- then be patient with each other.
Practice each day --- focusing on things you like about yourself --- and him. Focus on the positives. If he is a good man, then praise him for it. Tell him that you appreciate him -- for all the good he has done. Enjoy his love --- enjoy playing with the puppy. Enjoy your life iwth your daughter...Life is too short. Take responsibility for your actions, but but yourself slack.
:)
I don't like dogs.
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder?
I recently went to the local crisis center after trying to commit suicide on a drinking binge which i recently got started on after having a very bad break up with my boyfriend which centered around infidelity on his part. Well, things had been getting really bad to the point I could not cope. Most people don't understand what it's like with the hell living with borderline personality disorder. I have been doing extensive therapy this week having to see someone everyday to make sure that I don't self harm and or try to commit suicide.
What I'm wondering is aside from seeking help which i did how does someone actually deal with the abandonment issues? I cut and its causing damage to my tendons now. I tried binge drinking and well that turned into trying to kill myself and now I just got to the point where I know if it does not change soon I wont be here alot longer. I'm not saying this for sympathy I know 10% of people with BPD do commit suicide and I really do not want it to go to that extreme how do others living with this manage to cope are there some kind of forums or something to talk to others with this issues or other people who have found ways to cope with them other than cutting, random sex partners, drinking and drugs? None of this helps it just really makes it alot worse :(
help...Living with Borderline Personality Disorder?
Hi, well as said in my last answer you really need to have your medication reviewed and i believe you should try the antdepressant cymbalta as it is very good - i was hospitalised for depression and they put almost everyone on this and its the only one that helped me - but regardless even if cymbalta does not work you need to fnd one that does.
It sounds like you may need to go and stay in hospital (psych ward) for a few weeks to really get some intensive help. I had to do it and dont regret it. There were a lot of 'respectable' people in there with good jobs who were pretty or whatever so dont feel ashamed.
My mum was sexually abused and had bpd plus 3 kids and no help from my dad. She managed to stop drinking and to be honest my mum is not all there so if she can do it you can too She had to go to hospital to stop too. I think you should admit yourself to a psych ward as soon as you can and just focus on getting better.
Btw alot of doctors do not like to diagnose people wth having bpd as they are often wrong and it crosses over with other disorders. I have been told i 'might have it' which was no help to me because they couldnt even confirm it. I would be careful of labellng yourself BDD because you may have a mix of other disorders its really hard to say. I think it also makes people feel helpless about stuff being labelled as that - sexual abuse survivers can go on to have healthy relationships and i think these labels make them think they cant. Btw my mum has been wth a new guy 3 years and he is not at all abusve and treats her really well - goes to show you wll not be in destructive relationships necessarily.Living with Borderline Personality Disorder?
you need professional help to learn coping skills and well as having a medication review.
my heart really goes out to you because i experienced a mental disorder during my pregnancy and it's so hard to see the light when you're there.
i wish I could cuddle you and light that torch for you. You need a mum, a dad, a sister or brother. You need someone to help you till you find your way.
Your mind is so powerful it has created this. Just imagine if you found a place where you could teach your mind to create something amazing. May I suggest you tell everyone you need help. If no one listens, go to a church, a synagogue, a buddhist temple *my preference';, a mosque and ask for help. Stay clear of unknown religions because you're really vulnerable now.
You can learn to tell this mind of yours how you want to live. In the meantime, it's OK to use meds. Dont fight them. At least try something like St Johns Wort.
This earth is holding you up my friend. You are not alone. You are obviously smart but are just making bad choices. Follow the norm...society. Pretend for 24 hours that you are a princess and part of the norm society and then if that works, do it for 48 hours.
You need to have some fun and relaxation too.
Firstly i think getting out of that last relationship was the best thing you could have done ---- although you feel betrayed i think deep down you know you deserve better. I have never had BPD but have been depression free for about 3 yrs now but before that was living a pure nightmare. I was in an abusive relationship with my highschool sweetheart soulmate (that virgo guy) and he ended up being really abusive for the last 2 yrs of the relationship... I had sever depression and anxiety that was CHRONIC all day everyday... tried 6 diff meds finally found one that did not cause brain zaps only to discover that i had toxic reaction to it.... i got off -- had withdrawal and all this terrible bas SH** happened... I had to go to 4 months of intense therapy and my health had to hit rock bottom -- develped chronic fatugue and fibromyalgia for 5 yrs from the trauma that it caused me... was unemployed for 2 yrs. ... anyway to cut the long depressing story short .... just want to say your not alone.... i guess my point is in my situation i had to hit rock bottom before i started making my come back 5 yrs in the making.... Im not sure if your religious or not .. but i used to pray hard but my first bible in the midst of all that and felt my angels always guiding me and taking care of me... I am soo strong now because of what i went through... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... Also have you ever thought maybe your going through this for a reason and that maybe your supposed to go through this crap to come out the other end. Definately seek help, people are out there just like you and you are not alone.....
What I'm wondering is aside from seeking help which i did how does someone actually deal with the abandonment issues? I cut and its causing damage to my tendons now. I tried binge drinking and well that turned into trying to kill myself and now I just got to the point where I know if it does not change soon I wont be here alot longer. I'm not saying this for sympathy I know 10% of people with BPD do commit suicide and I really do not want it to go to that extreme how do others living with this manage to cope are there some kind of forums or something to talk to others with this issues or other people who have found ways to cope with them other than cutting, random sex partners, drinking and drugs? None of this helps it just really makes it alot worse :(
help...Living with Borderline Personality Disorder?
Hi, well as said in my last answer you really need to have your medication reviewed and i believe you should try the antdepressant cymbalta as it is very good - i was hospitalised for depression and they put almost everyone on this and its the only one that helped me - but regardless even if cymbalta does not work you need to fnd one that does.
It sounds like you may need to go and stay in hospital (psych ward) for a few weeks to really get some intensive help. I had to do it and dont regret it. There were a lot of 'respectable' people in there with good jobs who were pretty or whatever so dont feel ashamed.
My mum was sexually abused and had bpd plus 3 kids and no help from my dad. She managed to stop drinking and to be honest my mum is not all there so if she can do it you can too She had to go to hospital to stop too. I think you should admit yourself to a psych ward as soon as you can and just focus on getting better.
Btw alot of doctors do not like to diagnose people wth having bpd as they are often wrong and it crosses over with other disorders. I have been told i 'might have it' which was no help to me because they couldnt even confirm it. I would be careful of labellng yourself BDD because you may have a mix of other disorders its really hard to say. I think it also makes people feel helpless about stuff being labelled as that - sexual abuse survivers can go on to have healthy relationships and i think these labels make them think they cant. Btw my mum has been wth a new guy 3 years and he is not at all abusve and treats her really well - goes to show you wll not be in destructive relationships necessarily.Living with Borderline Personality Disorder?
you need professional help to learn coping skills and well as having a medication review.
my heart really goes out to you because i experienced a mental disorder during my pregnancy and it's so hard to see the light when you're there.
i wish I could cuddle you and light that torch for you. You need a mum, a dad, a sister or brother. You need someone to help you till you find your way.
Your mind is so powerful it has created this. Just imagine if you found a place where you could teach your mind to create something amazing. May I suggest you tell everyone you need help. If no one listens, go to a church, a synagogue, a buddhist temple *my preference';, a mosque and ask for help. Stay clear of unknown religions because you're really vulnerable now.
You can learn to tell this mind of yours how you want to live. In the meantime, it's OK to use meds. Dont fight them. At least try something like St Johns Wort.
This earth is holding you up my friend. You are not alone. You are obviously smart but are just making bad choices. Follow the norm...society. Pretend for 24 hours that you are a princess and part of the norm society and then if that works, do it for 48 hours.
You need to have some fun and relaxation too.
Firstly i think getting out of that last relationship was the best thing you could have done ---- although you feel betrayed i think deep down you know you deserve better. I have never had BPD but have been depression free for about 3 yrs now but before that was living a pure nightmare. I was in an abusive relationship with my highschool sweetheart soulmate (that virgo guy) and he ended up being really abusive for the last 2 yrs of the relationship... I had sever depression and anxiety that was CHRONIC all day everyday... tried 6 diff meds finally found one that did not cause brain zaps only to discover that i had toxic reaction to it.... i got off -- had withdrawal and all this terrible bas SH** happened... I had to go to 4 months of intense therapy and my health had to hit rock bottom -- develped chronic fatugue and fibromyalgia for 5 yrs from the trauma that it caused me... was unemployed for 2 yrs. ... anyway to cut the long depressing story short .... just want to say your not alone.... i guess my point is in my situation i had to hit rock bottom before i started making my come back 5 yrs in the making.... Im not sure if your religious or not .. but i used to pray hard but my first bible in the midst of all that and felt my angels always guiding me and taking care of me... I am soo strong now because of what i went through... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... Also have you ever thought maybe your going through this for a reason and that maybe your supposed to go through this crap to come out the other end. Definately seek help, people are out there just like you and you are not alone.....
Women's PMS!!!how do u handle it?
hi all, i've been in a relationship with my girl for about 2 years now and just recently i found out about her PMS and how bad it is.we tend to get into fights about the littlest things, which annoys the heck outta me. now i'm considering two options ~ ignore her but she'll accuse me of infidelity or see her and accept it with open arms which i don't think i can cope that long... help me!!!Women's PMS!!!how do u handle it?
The best thing to do is stay out of her way...coz no matter what you do, she's gonna make a fuss.
Don't take it personally,thought it's hard not to...
Honestly,us women have no control over PMS...when I go through that time of the month, I say %26amp; do things that I usually wouldn't do...There's a voice inside of me screaming, saying DON'T!!!!....but my hormones have completely taken control of my whole system...
So, you gotta understand that it's very very stressful for us too %26amp; believe me it's not fun to firght with you guys during the time......it just happens %26amp; worsens the situ....
So, just stay out of her way %26amp; try to be supportive....watch what you say %26amp; do.......Also, try telling her how you feel during another time when she's in a better mood.
Good luck..Women's PMS!!!how do u handle it?
wow dude chicks are something else...
Rizzo--this is an age old topic discussed by a billion men--you need to make a calender that will record these episodes on a monthly basis. then you will know when to expect the difficult time to happen. Find something to do for those days--if that bothers her--then tell her it is unbearable for you and you cannot be miserable for no reason. Infidelity?? Is she that insecure and immature?? You might want to find a better girl--this one will only make your life a living hell--if it isn't already. There are too many nice girls that are out there---and they do not all suffer from PMS.---or at least not as bad. You have got to be happy---she doesn't own you---if you want to go--you have the right to do so.
stay out of the way when she is bad and try to be supportive when she needs it...
oh, and be aware of when her period is due, so that you can understand when she is due...
with my wife, she becomes clumsy, weepy and can go off on one... ;)
you dont, just be helpful and try to ignore the death threats.
The best thing to do is stay out of her way...coz no matter what you do, she's gonna make a fuss.
Don't take it personally,thought it's hard not to...
Honestly,us women have no control over PMS...when I go through that time of the month, I say %26amp; do things that I usually wouldn't do...There's a voice inside of me screaming, saying DON'T!!!!....but my hormones have completely taken control of my whole system...
So, you gotta understand that it's very very stressful for us too %26amp; believe me it's not fun to firght with you guys during the time......it just happens %26amp; worsens the situ....
So, just stay out of her way %26amp; try to be supportive....watch what you say %26amp; do.......Also, try telling her how you feel during another time when she's in a better mood.
Good luck..Women's PMS!!!how do u handle it?
wow dude chicks are something else...
Rizzo--this is an age old topic discussed by a billion men--you need to make a calender that will record these episodes on a monthly basis. then you will know when to expect the difficult time to happen. Find something to do for those days--if that bothers her--then tell her it is unbearable for you and you cannot be miserable for no reason. Infidelity?? Is she that insecure and immature?? You might want to find a better girl--this one will only make your life a living hell--if it isn't already. There are too many nice girls that are out there---and they do not all suffer from PMS.---or at least not as bad. You have got to be happy---she doesn't own you---if you want to go--you have the right to do so.
stay out of the way when she is bad and try to be supportive when she needs it...
oh, and be aware of when her period is due, so that you can understand when she is due...
with my wife, she becomes clumsy, weepy and can go off on one... ;)
you dont, just be helpful and try to ignore the death threats.
It's hard sometimes having a girlfriend, and remaining truly faithful.....thanks for any guidence?
Okay, I'm 23, I'm a trainer at a local distribution center. I train lots of people every day. I have been with a girl for almost a year now. I love her to death. We both have decent jobs. I am preparing for a 18 month deployment to Iraq, I am a sophomore in college, and I have have bills up to my teeth. Infidelity at my work is around every corner. I have never cheated on my girlfriend, or had thoughts. What I want to know is what are some better ways to cope with being ';hit on';. Yes I do sometimes have open-ended conversations with women at my work, but I try not to ';lead'; anyone on. I don't want to be a prick and say ';go away';, but I would rather do it in a tactful way. I am depressed right now because of not graduating college when I had expected, and my deployment. I worry to much I guess. Anyway my question is incoherently vague, and I don't want you (audience) to misconstrue it. How can I avoid being targeted of being hit on. Doesn't happen everyday, maybe once.It's hard sometimes having a girlfriend, and remaining truly faithful.....thanks for any guidence?
Lol once, well bro just go with things that wouldn't lead her to hit on you. Like talk about tv programs, or how busy it is at work or how boring, fufillful, etc etc. Also if she justs come out wit it like you look really good today just say thanks. Dont compliment back. Girls love that. Its like giving food to a dog they always start to compliment you again, and coming back to do so. Lol ladies im sorry for that analogy it was a little harsh, but im just trying to get a point across.It's hard sometimes having a girlfriend, and remaining truly faithful.....thanks for any guidence?
okay... My boyfriends in the Marine n tell me he gets hit on by the local whores every so often. This is what I tell him to say (which I know he prolly dosnt)... ';Ya kno.. Im really not interested. I have a girl!'; and if that doesnt work then just IGNORE them. and if theyr big time whores n keep tryin you then its okay to be a dick. I think its really disrespectful when hoes dont get the hint.
But I hope your deployment ends up going by fast.
Good Luck!
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I'M SORRY I'M KIND OF CONFUSED. OH U WANNA KNOW HOW TO TELL SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN THEM BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. JUST THAT! TELL THEM YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED BECAUSE U HAVE A GF AND GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Wear a ring on your wedding ring finger. It may not stop all advances but it will help and I'm sure your girlfriend won't complain.
Chances are they isn't to much to do except for being a dick...and even then chances are you will get hit on. It happens...bring up your girlfriend in your conversation if it fits and that helps sometimes. But all you can really do is just ignore it and deal with it.
So you're asking how you can avoid being hit on because you're a babe magnet? There is nothing you can do, really. Some women will just always have awful taste.
how about you dress less attractively?
Act uninterested. Don't look them in the eyes when they are speaking to you, don't smile, keep your distance. If they ask if you'll go out with them, date, or be their boyfriend, simply say, I'm sorry, but I have a girlfriend and do not want to cheat.
Say you're flattered, but you are in a happily committed relationship. Not that hard!myspace quizzes Will giving my 6 week old
Lol once, well bro just go with things that wouldn't lead her to hit on you. Like talk about tv programs, or how busy it is at work or how boring, fufillful, etc etc. Also if she justs come out wit it like you look really good today just say thanks. Dont compliment back. Girls love that. Its like giving food to a dog they always start to compliment you again, and coming back to do so. Lol ladies im sorry for that analogy it was a little harsh, but im just trying to get a point across.It's hard sometimes having a girlfriend, and remaining truly faithful.....thanks for any guidence?
okay... My boyfriends in the Marine n tell me he gets hit on by the local whores every so often. This is what I tell him to say (which I know he prolly dosnt)... ';Ya kno.. Im really not interested. I have a girl!'; and if that doesnt work then just IGNORE them. and if theyr big time whores n keep tryin you then its okay to be a dick. I think its really disrespectful when hoes dont get the hint.
But I hope your deployment ends up going by fast.
Good Luck!
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I'M SORRY I'M KIND OF CONFUSED. OH U WANNA KNOW HOW TO TELL SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN THEM BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. JUST THAT! TELL THEM YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED BECAUSE U HAVE A GF AND GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Wear a ring on your wedding ring finger. It may not stop all advances but it will help and I'm sure your girlfriend won't complain.
Chances are they isn't to much to do except for being a dick...and even then chances are you will get hit on. It happens...bring up your girlfriend in your conversation if it fits and that helps sometimes. But all you can really do is just ignore it and deal with it.
So you're asking how you can avoid being hit on because you're a babe magnet? There is nothing you can do, really. Some women will just always have awful taste.
how about you dress less attractively?
Act uninterested. Don't look them in the eyes when they are speaking to you, don't smile, keep your distance. If they ask if you'll go out with them, date, or be their boyfriend, simply say, I'm sorry, but I have a girlfriend and do not want to cheat.
Say you're flattered, but you are in a happily committed relationship. Not that hard!
Is it jealousy, low self esteem, is this normal?
i have a big problem when it comes to boyfriends fancying/eyeing up/ liking other girls. am i wrong for thinking it's a hideous thing to do to someone when you're in love? my boyfriend told me i need self esteem and that he loves me, but he doesnt know what else i want from him.
im just confused with why i feel like this, so deeply and painfully. of course, people's beliefs and morals are there own, no one can change that or say it's wrong. but does anyone else feel how i feel? if so, how do you cope with it in a relationship?
i just feel, its like ';visual infidelity'; as it were. same thing with porn, i feel that way about a boyfriend watching it.
cheers for any responses.
xIs it jealousy, low self esteem, is this normal?
just do the same as him.look at men. window shopping is natural hunIs it jealousy, low self esteem, is this normal?
If Love Would Not Exist, Jealousy Would Not Exist either.
People who ';trust'; their boyfriends/girlfriends too Much always end up getting Cheated on. Thats what they get for trusting too much.
So Trust your partner to a point. but Dont Completetly Trust.
big difference between admiring someone and using porn. i think you are insecure and need to chill out. if you can't look at a man and think he's attractive just cos you have a boyfriend...well, i think u r a liar.
well, the only real thing you can do is trust them. The worst thing that happens, they betray your trust. It may hurt, but you must not give up. You'll one day find the guy who is totally right for you, who you can trust without inhibition. Don't worry, I feel the same way sometimes. Ya need help, just talk to me or your friends about it.
The thing is, it's possible that you're insecure about your relationship with this guy. Watch his actions and listen to his words. If he's checking out other girls, it's possible he's lost interest. My suggestion would have to be to leave him and live life single for a while. When you get comfortable with the world around you, Start dating again. I'm just suggesting. It's up to you.
I can only open the door, You have to step through it.
everyone eyes up the opp sex, ur just a bit jealous, i dont think u trust him.do u?? speak to him more, try and sort it out.
I'm a very jealous person and also find it hard to trust men as they`ll always let me down and broke my heart,my recent ex was the same a nice guy but a flirt altho he says he wouldn't cheat on anyone it drove me crazy as it looked like he was all over other girls on the net who were younger and prettier than me...i feel this lead to him breaking up with me so Ive learn ed a lesson there innocent until pr oven guilty try and think that way and curb your jealousy cause you may just push him away and when you in love the last thing you want to do it make them fall out of love with you...believe me i know
I wont say perfectly normal but many women and men do it.Jealousy stems from insecurities maybe u need to tell ur boyfriend about all ur fears and if he could try to help u overcome ur fears.If u really love ur boyfriend then trust is apart of that love.If u are walking down the street and see a hunk of a guy arent u gonna stare that doesnt mean ur going to have a rip roaring affair with him its human nature to be possessive of wat we consider ours.But u really need to trust him or ur insecurities will drive him away.
It is natural for a man to notice an attractive woman and single guys especially are blind to the need for self control in this area. Alot of men really only learn to truly respect their woman after they are married and some never really do. I wouldn't get too serious with a guy who isn't interested in protecting your feelings and watching out for you. To an extent it's totally normal - I mean he can't wear blinders but gawking and eyeing other women up and down or looking into her cleavage without even blushing is a whole different story. It's your eyes he should be primarily looking into on a date, not another woman's hips or whatever.
If this is the gawking looking into other women's cleavage and looking a woman up and down to study her features.... it has nothing to do with your self esteem - it's a guy being a pig. You want to be someone's Cinderella - most girls do. You've got a guy with an ego too big for himself. It would be normal to feel like you're just another token of the available possibilities. It is like visual infidelity and some women - like to tease men with their appearance or they wouldn't do it. They are just as gross and the men who drool at them. This is very superficial behavior and I wouldn't personally take it. There is a guy out there who will treat you better than this.
I've met guys like this and sad to say - they are usually off to the next conquest - someone they perceive has ';more'; of whatever they want to look at than you do.
I met a woman who was totally flirting with my husband when we were newly married and well - he couldn't help but notice - I mean she had boobs the size of triple D and wore the tightest sweater imaginable when she met with us for dinner - prefacing this ';get together'; that she wanted to get to know me. Right on.........anyway - I let him know how I felt and he respected my feelings and wanted to make things right in our relationship so he didn't pursue a friendship with her any longer.
If you're guy really loves you - he'll learn to respect your feelings. If not - he may not be worth it. He should never tell you that you have low self esteem - he's only damaging your emotions just by saying that when he should be building you up and noticing YOUR best features!
You can't control guys.
We are very visual - it's just the way we are made - like or not.
You are obviously pretty young and don;t understand that reality.
low steam builds up jealousy but your b/f act is so dirty and he tries to make an excuse,if he stare at girls that noticeable by you there is something wrong with him not you,so you are right,your pain is normal,jealousy is a natural feeling,warn him!
You just have to learn to accept that every guy finds other woman attractive, as do woman find other guys attractive. It's not really low self esteem you're dealing with but the need to feel secure in your relationship, which hopefully will correct itself in time as you form a lasting bond together. Unfortunately you have to get through alot of ups and downs to get there. When you make it through tough times, it is a test of love and then jealously no longer exists.
The likelihood is that you do the same, however when in a relationship, women generally are less obvious.
If this is the only thing that is wrong with your relationship, then clearly you lack confidence in yourself, and do not believe that your boyfriend can possibly love you, with all those other women out there.
Competition, real or not will always be present.
Jealousy is a natural feeling arising out of love for someone as is true of hate also. They are all incredibly strong emotions that most of us experience at some time.
What is more important is how we manage those feelings and not place too much responsibility for them on to the people we love.
As your relationship strengthens and deepens, you will both find it easier to discuss (not a one-way fight) how they affect each of you individually and to your relationship.
Don't give up, he clearly loves you and not the others.
You're insecure is all, and the only way you'll stop being insecure is by becoming secure in what you've got - that's you as in you yourself, not just the relationship you've got with your boyfriend.
I've never quite understood why people are against their partners watching porn, though I'm guessing it stems from the same kind of insecurities that makes them panic when a gorgeous member of the appropriate sex happens to walk past.
kinda sounds like your boyfriend is trying to walk all over you =\
maybe you haven't been with any guys that really respect you.
im just confused with why i feel like this, so deeply and painfully. of course, people's beliefs and morals are there own, no one can change that or say it's wrong. but does anyone else feel how i feel? if so, how do you cope with it in a relationship?
i just feel, its like ';visual infidelity'; as it were. same thing with porn, i feel that way about a boyfriend watching it.
cheers for any responses.
xIs it jealousy, low self esteem, is this normal?
just do the same as him.look at men. window shopping is natural hunIs it jealousy, low self esteem, is this normal?
If Love Would Not Exist, Jealousy Would Not Exist either.
People who ';trust'; their boyfriends/girlfriends too Much always end up getting Cheated on. Thats what they get for trusting too much.
So Trust your partner to a point. but Dont Completetly Trust.
big difference between admiring someone and using porn. i think you are insecure and need to chill out. if you can't look at a man and think he's attractive just cos you have a boyfriend...well, i think u r a liar.
well, the only real thing you can do is trust them. The worst thing that happens, they betray your trust. It may hurt, but you must not give up. You'll one day find the guy who is totally right for you, who you can trust without inhibition. Don't worry, I feel the same way sometimes. Ya need help, just talk to me or your friends about it.
The thing is, it's possible that you're insecure about your relationship with this guy. Watch his actions and listen to his words. If he's checking out other girls, it's possible he's lost interest. My suggestion would have to be to leave him and live life single for a while. When you get comfortable with the world around you, Start dating again. I'm just suggesting. It's up to you.
I can only open the door, You have to step through it.
everyone eyes up the opp sex, ur just a bit jealous, i dont think u trust him.do u?? speak to him more, try and sort it out.
I'm a very jealous person and also find it hard to trust men as they`ll always let me down and broke my heart,my recent ex was the same a nice guy but a flirt altho he says he wouldn't cheat on anyone it drove me crazy as it looked like he was all over other girls on the net who were younger and prettier than me...i feel this lead to him breaking up with me so Ive learn ed a lesson there innocent until pr oven guilty try and think that way and curb your jealousy cause you may just push him away and when you in love the last thing you want to do it make them fall out of love with you...believe me i know
I wont say perfectly normal but many women and men do it.Jealousy stems from insecurities maybe u need to tell ur boyfriend about all ur fears and if he could try to help u overcome ur fears.If u really love ur boyfriend then trust is apart of that love.If u are walking down the street and see a hunk of a guy arent u gonna stare that doesnt mean ur going to have a rip roaring affair with him its human nature to be possessive of wat we consider ours.But u really need to trust him or ur insecurities will drive him away.
It is natural for a man to notice an attractive woman and single guys especially are blind to the need for self control in this area. Alot of men really only learn to truly respect their woman after they are married and some never really do. I wouldn't get too serious with a guy who isn't interested in protecting your feelings and watching out for you. To an extent it's totally normal - I mean he can't wear blinders but gawking and eyeing other women up and down or looking into her cleavage without even blushing is a whole different story. It's your eyes he should be primarily looking into on a date, not another woman's hips or whatever.
If this is the gawking looking into other women's cleavage and looking a woman up and down to study her features.... it has nothing to do with your self esteem - it's a guy being a pig. You want to be someone's Cinderella - most girls do. You've got a guy with an ego too big for himself. It would be normal to feel like you're just another token of the available possibilities. It is like visual infidelity and some women - like to tease men with their appearance or they wouldn't do it. They are just as gross and the men who drool at them. This is very superficial behavior and I wouldn't personally take it. There is a guy out there who will treat you better than this.
I've met guys like this and sad to say - they are usually off to the next conquest - someone they perceive has ';more'; of whatever they want to look at than you do.
I met a woman who was totally flirting with my husband when we were newly married and well - he couldn't help but notice - I mean she had boobs the size of triple D and wore the tightest sweater imaginable when she met with us for dinner - prefacing this ';get together'; that she wanted to get to know me. Right on.........anyway - I let him know how I felt and he respected my feelings and wanted to make things right in our relationship so he didn't pursue a friendship with her any longer.
If you're guy really loves you - he'll learn to respect your feelings. If not - he may not be worth it. He should never tell you that you have low self esteem - he's only damaging your emotions just by saying that when he should be building you up and noticing YOUR best features!
You can't control guys.
We are very visual - it's just the way we are made - like or not.
You are obviously pretty young and don;t understand that reality.
low steam builds up jealousy but your b/f act is so dirty and he tries to make an excuse,if he stare at girls that noticeable by you there is something wrong with him not you,so you are right,your pain is normal,jealousy is a natural feeling,warn him!
You just have to learn to accept that every guy finds other woman attractive, as do woman find other guys attractive. It's not really low self esteem you're dealing with but the need to feel secure in your relationship, which hopefully will correct itself in time as you form a lasting bond together. Unfortunately you have to get through alot of ups and downs to get there. When you make it through tough times, it is a test of love and then jealously no longer exists.
The likelihood is that you do the same, however when in a relationship, women generally are less obvious.
If this is the only thing that is wrong with your relationship, then clearly you lack confidence in yourself, and do not believe that your boyfriend can possibly love you, with all those other women out there.
Competition, real or not will always be present.
Jealousy is a natural feeling arising out of love for someone as is true of hate also. They are all incredibly strong emotions that most of us experience at some time.
What is more important is how we manage those feelings and not place too much responsibility for them on to the people we love.
As your relationship strengthens and deepens, you will both find it easier to discuss (not a one-way fight) how they affect each of you individually and to your relationship.
Don't give up, he clearly loves you and not the others.
You're insecure is all, and the only way you'll stop being insecure is by becoming secure in what you've got - that's you as in you yourself, not just the relationship you've got with your boyfriend.
I've never quite understood why people are against their partners watching porn, though I'm guessing it stems from the same kind of insecurities that makes them panic when a gorgeous member of the appropriate sex happens to walk past.
kinda sounds like your boyfriend is trying to walk all over you =\
maybe you haven't been with any guys that really respect you.
Coping with Borderline Personality Disorder?
I recently went to the local crisis center after trying to commit suicide on a drinking binge which i recently got started on after having a very bad break up with my boyfriend which centered around infidelity on his part. Well, things had been getting really bad to the point I could not cope. Most people don't understand what it's like with the hell living with borderline personality disorder. I have been doing extensive therapy this week having to see someone everyday to make sure that I don't self harm and or try to commit suicide.
What I'm wondering is aside from seeking help which i did how does someone actually deal with the abandonment issues? I cut and its causing damage to my tendons now. I tried binge drinking and well that turned into trying to kill myself and now I just got to the point where I know if it does not change soon I wont be here alot longer. I'm not saying this for sympathy I know 10% of people with BPD do commit suicide and I really do not want it to go to that extreme how do others living with this manage to cope are there some kind of forums or something to talk to others with this issues or other people who have found ways to cope with them other than cutting, random sex partners, drinking and drugs? None of this helps it just really makes it alot worse :(
help...Coping with Borderline Personality Disorder?
Although Borderline Personality Disorder is less well known than bipolar and
schizophrenia it is more common, affecting 2% of adults in the US and accounting
for a whopping 20% of psychiatric hospitalizations in the US. Completed suicide
rates in BPD is an incredible 8-10%. All that having been said, borderline
personality disorder is not a death sentance. There is strong research which
suggests that often symptoms of BPD decrease as the sufferer ages from a
teenager to a young adult and their brain fully develops. With early
intervention, likelyhood of recovery is also increased
With borderline personality disorder it's really hard to find good therapists
because everyone's either scared of the label or isn't experienced enough to
help you. One of the most effective treatments for Borderline personality
disorder is a type of therapy called DBT (Dialectical Behavioral
Therapy). DBT was developed by a psychologist who had borderline her self. She
found in her own recovery, and in treating her patients, that CBT (cognitive
behavioral therapy) was too oriented on change for borderlines, leading them to
feel invalidated and have a high risk of dropping out of treatment. DBT is a
balance of acceptance and change. The tag line is that DBT teaches you to ';Build
A Life Worth Living';. And two uniquie focuses of DBT include training on
dialectical thinking (seeing both sides to every story) and mindfulness ( living
in the present, concepts are most highly pulled from Zen Buddhism, but are not
at all religious in nature.) It teaches you skills in distress tolerance (which
is crisis survival), interpersonal effectiveness (how to improve your
relationships), mindfulness ( living in the present moment, meditation type
stuff), and emotional regulation (how to prevent yourself from going into crisis
to begin with..basic taking care of yourself kind of stuff). DBT is developed
for TEAMS of clinicians working together, and includes: individual
psychotherapy, group skills training, phone coaching, and consultation team-
which is when the clinicians meet to discuss cases and support each other.
Although consultation team does not directly impact that patient, it is seen as
a manadory component of DBT, and you should seek a DBT group or center, not an
individual DBT Clinician if at all possible.
DBT is very very different than standard psychotherapy, which tends to be a
processing therapy. While in standard therapy you may spend many many sessions
focusing on whats wrong, DBT is constantly redirecting you towards focusing on
solutions. and in absense of concrete solutions, acceptance, so you decrease
suffering.
I think it is important to emphasize that \DBT is not a magical cure, nothing is.
And it can take a lot of perserverence to continue to incorperate skills into
your daily life when you aren't seeing a dramatic increase in mood. Most DBT
outpatient therapies need a time span of 1-2 years in therapy for full benefit.
It is not meant to be a life long treatment, although you could use it that way.
But for someone who is intelligent, and is determined to make the best of what
they have been given DBT is an excellent choice.
If you are interested in doing some work in DBT on your own, I would
suggest the ';Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook'; its green and is
published by New Harbinger Publishers. Here is a link to their original one,
they also have recently published variations of it, and one of them I know is
for Bulimia.
http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavi鈥?/a>
/ref=pd_sim_b_9
Medication can help treat some struggles relating to BPD, but behavioral therapy
is considered much more effective.Coping with Borderline Personality Disorder?
you can add me as a contact or email me, and we can talk all you want. But cutting yourself won't do you any good sweety!!!!! chat to people who feel like you do. Or to people who understand. By cutting yourself you will be drawing attention to your self! and everyone will hover even more, you will only gain their trust to leave you alone once you have earned it! stop hurting yourself and start talking- Its a lot better and leaves you feeling better too
I cant begin to imagine what you're going through, but as a top contributor to this place, I'm guessing you are somewhat wise.
I notice that your insight into your illness is good, and you're taking the right steps to help manage your illness. You should also try to engage in group sessions (something which your psychiatrist can help you with) as this can also be a great help. The life around you is what causes you to think/do the things you do, as your insight is good, you should try to any extent to change your life. You only live once, and life is too short so please make the most of it.
You're already doing one of the very best interventions that you can, learning about this illness and working toward an understanding of what is motivating the self damaging behaviour. There is a forum online that folks who suffer from this personality disorder can post to, you might want to give it a try.
My heart goes out to you! Still, for all the pain you are in, the fact that you are now able to face the issues instead of just reacting and feeling bashed about by your emotions is so wonderful! This post alone shows that you are making progress and gaining insight, and that shows real courage...
Prayers for you...
Are you in the CBT/DBT Therapy hun? I'll assume you are...but just incase..it's Behavioral Therapy,wayyy above typical ';counseling';,and the best for a BPD.
Have they tried you on any antidepressants? I know many people think the DBT/CBT is the only treatment,so that's why I ask...I strongly dis-agree,and 100% believe that the RIGHT antidepressant(meaning the one that's going to work for you out of the 10 you'll end up having to ';try';),could help...atleast with the mood swings/depression end of what you are facing.
And,just incase you didn't know this part..and I'm NOT saying it happens to everybody (I always have to specify that part otherwise people think I'm 'making it up' b/c it didn't happen for 'them'lol),but...MANY BDP's ';grow out of it'; in their mid-late 30's......
Sooo,if your not in that age range yet...that *might* be something to hope for...it does happen:-)
If your not already...Google ONLINE SUPPORT GROUP FOR BORDERLINES...I know there are a few good support groups out there online that you can get support/talk/study/ask questions/ect....people that will UNDERSTAND you,which I know can be hard to find in the ';real world';.
I wish you the best hun...I hope things get better/and my prayers too:-)
I am so sorry for your suffering. Are you taking the required medications, an antidepressant and an antipsychotic. Those are number one most important. Please know that drinking prevents your medications from working and as you know causes great harm and causing your feelings and symptoms to become much worse.
There is a new and revolutionary therapy called EMDR. What is the best about this therapy is that the specialized therapist has the skill to bring forth the trauma or traumas that occurred in childhood that are hidden in your subconscious mind. You are then able to deal with the trauma or traumas in an adult way rather than the extremely damaging way they were processed as a child. This is not a lengthy therapy.
Also you can ask about Emotion Regulation Therapy which teaches you how to manage your emotions that you never had an opporunity to learn. Also Cognitive Restructuring Therapy teaches you how to change the damaging way you have learned to think and allows you to live a happy and productive life. To be truly successful it is good to do all three of the therapies one by one.
For now please try your best to know that you are loved and that you are special. Unfortunately the BPD takes away your ability to like and love yourself. But try. If you harmed yourself those who love you would be destroyed for life themselves. There are also numbers you can call that are staffed by professionals who can help you 24 hours a day. One is 1-800-273-talk and 1-800-suicide.
You can learn to live a happy life please try to think of the good things that are to come to you. This is a crisis and please use the numbers when you feel a need. Please take care of yourself!
More than 2 drinks acts as a depressant, and any amount depletes B group vitamins, exacerbating depression. A previous answer follows: Because of their upbringing, people suffering from BPD tend to see things in terms of black and white, rather than shades of grey, and often idealise, then devalue, in relationships. They also tend to have a great fear of abandonment, and sometimes go to extreme lengths to prevent it. They often become involved in alcohol and/or drug abuse, and/or high risk activities. Closely examine the http://1-800-therapist.com/ %26amp; http://www.metanoia.org/choose/ websites. Contact the local %26amp; national organisations of clinical psychologists, therapists, and/or psychiatrists, to find a therapist who uses Dialectical Behavio(u)ral Therapy, or get a good book on the subject, and give to a therapist using Cognitive Behavio(u)ral Therapy (fairly common, and probably nearby) and ask that it be incorporated into your treatment. Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) http://www.priory.com/dbt.htm %26amp; http://www.behavioraltech.com/downloads/鈥?/a> Some locators are via the home page, at Weebly, below.
Workbooks that offer good coping skills are: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, %26amp; Distress Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood, and Jeffrey Brantley, %26amp; Marsha Linehan's Skills Training Manual (a DBT Workbook). Read ';I hate you: don't leave me.'; by Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Stras. Also: The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Randi Kreger and James Paul Shirley, %26amp; NEW HOPE FOR PEOPLE WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, by Neil R. Bockian, Ph.D., %26amp; The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide - Paperback (Nov 2007) by Alex Chapman and Kim Gratz, %26amp; Borderline Personality Disorder For Dummies (Health %26amp; Fitness) by Charles H. Elliott and Laura L. Smith. Try www.amazon.com for these, and others on BPD. View: http://www.sane.org/information/factshee鈥?/a> %26amp; http://www.2knowmyself.com/uieforum?c=sh鈥?/a> Check out: www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/鈥?%26amp; www.mhsanctuary.com/Borderline/board2d.h鈥?www.psychforums.com/borderline-personali鈥?www.ehow.com/how_2154549_find-borderline鈥?%26amp; www.borderlinecentral.com/articles/bpdsu鈥?
Most people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or more alternatives along those lines are shown here * Google: ';support groups; borderline personality disorder'; and try some. Do similarly with chat sites and forums. Practice a relaxation method, daily, and when needed, such as http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-鈥?/a> or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody鈥?/a> or http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate or Yoga Nidra, (a series of easy mental exercises only; no flexibility required) at http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/l.h鈥?/a> (page * X addresses BPD; see page g about breakups) Tai Chi, regular yoga, or Qi Gong, suits others better.
What I'm wondering is aside from seeking help which i did how does someone actually deal with the abandonment issues? I cut and its causing damage to my tendons now. I tried binge drinking and well that turned into trying to kill myself and now I just got to the point where I know if it does not change soon I wont be here alot longer. I'm not saying this for sympathy I know 10% of people with BPD do commit suicide and I really do not want it to go to that extreme how do others living with this manage to cope are there some kind of forums or something to talk to others with this issues or other people who have found ways to cope with them other than cutting, random sex partners, drinking and drugs? None of this helps it just really makes it alot worse :(
help...Coping with Borderline Personality Disorder?
Although Borderline Personality Disorder is less well known than bipolar and
schizophrenia it is more common, affecting 2% of adults in the US and accounting
for a whopping 20% of psychiatric hospitalizations in the US. Completed suicide
rates in BPD is an incredible 8-10%. All that having been said, borderline
personality disorder is not a death sentance. There is strong research which
suggests that often symptoms of BPD decrease as the sufferer ages from a
teenager to a young adult and their brain fully develops. With early
intervention, likelyhood of recovery is also increased
With borderline personality disorder it's really hard to find good therapists
because everyone's either scared of the label or isn't experienced enough to
help you. One of the most effective treatments for Borderline personality
disorder is a type of therapy called DBT (Dialectical Behavioral
Therapy). DBT was developed by a psychologist who had borderline her self. She
found in her own recovery, and in treating her patients, that CBT (cognitive
behavioral therapy) was too oriented on change for borderlines, leading them to
feel invalidated and have a high risk of dropping out of treatment. DBT is a
balance of acceptance and change. The tag line is that DBT teaches you to ';Build
A Life Worth Living';. And two uniquie focuses of DBT include training on
dialectical thinking (seeing both sides to every story) and mindfulness ( living
in the present, concepts are most highly pulled from Zen Buddhism, but are not
at all religious in nature.) It teaches you skills in distress tolerance (which
is crisis survival), interpersonal effectiveness (how to improve your
relationships), mindfulness ( living in the present moment, meditation type
stuff), and emotional regulation (how to prevent yourself from going into crisis
to begin with..basic taking care of yourself kind of stuff). DBT is developed
for TEAMS of clinicians working together, and includes: individual
psychotherapy, group skills training, phone coaching, and consultation team-
which is when the clinicians meet to discuss cases and support each other.
Although consultation team does not directly impact that patient, it is seen as
a manadory component of DBT, and you should seek a DBT group or center, not an
individual DBT Clinician if at all possible.
DBT is very very different than standard psychotherapy, which tends to be a
processing therapy. While in standard therapy you may spend many many sessions
focusing on whats wrong, DBT is constantly redirecting you towards focusing on
solutions. and in absense of concrete solutions, acceptance, so you decrease
suffering.
I think it is important to emphasize that \DBT is not a magical cure, nothing is.
And it can take a lot of perserverence to continue to incorperate skills into
your daily life when you aren't seeing a dramatic increase in mood. Most DBT
outpatient therapies need a time span of 1-2 years in therapy for full benefit.
It is not meant to be a life long treatment, although you could use it that way.
But for someone who is intelligent, and is determined to make the best of what
they have been given DBT is an excellent choice.
If you are interested in doing some work in DBT on your own, I would
suggest the ';Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook'; its green and is
published by New Harbinger Publishers. Here is a link to their original one,
they also have recently published variations of it, and one of them I know is
for Bulimia.
http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavi鈥?/a>
/ref=pd_sim_b_9
Medication can help treat some struggles relating to BPD, but behavioral therapy
is considered much more effective.Coping with Borderline Personality Disorder?
you can add me as a contact or email me, and we can talk all you want. But cutting yourself won't do you any good sweety!!!!! chat to people who feel like you do. Or to people who understand. By cutting yourself you will be drawing attention to your self! and everyone will hover even more, you will only gain their trust to leave you alone once you have earned it! stop hurting yourself and start talking- Its a lot better and leaves you feeling better too
I cant begin to imagine what you're going through, but as a top contributor to this place, I'm guessing you are somewhat wise.
I notice that your insight into your illness is good, and you're taking the right steps to help manage your illness. You should also try to engage in group sessions (something which your psychiatrist can help you with) as this can also be a great help. The life around you is what causes you to think/do the things you do, as your insight is good, you should try to any extent to change your life. You only live once, and life is too short so please make the most of it.
You're already doing one of the very best interventions that you can, learning about this illness and working toward an understanding of what is motivating the self damaging behaviour. There is a forum online that folks who suffer from this personality disorder can post to, you might want to give it a try.
My heart goes out to you! Still, for all the pain you are in, the fact that you are now able to face the issues instead of just reacting and feeling bashed about by your emotions is so wonderful! This post alone shows that you are making progress and gaining insight, and that shows real courage...
Prayers for you...
Are you in the CBT/DBT Therapy hun? I'll assume you are...but just incase..it's Behavioral Therapy,wayyy above typical ';counseling';,and the best for a BPD.
Have they tried you on any antidepressants? I know many people think the DBT/CBT is the only treatment,so that's why I ask...I strongly dis-agree,and 100% believe that the RIGHT antidepressant(meaning the one that's going to work for you out of the 10 you'll end up having to ';try';),could help...atleast with the mood swings/depression end of what you are facing.
And,just incase you didn't know this part..and I'm NOT saying it happens to everybody (I always have to specify that part otherwise people think I'm 'making it up' b/c it didn't happen for 'them'lol),but...MANY BDP's ';grow out of it'; in their mid-late 30's......
Sooo,if your not in that age range yet...that *might* be something to hope for...it does happen:-)
If your not already...Google ONLINE SUPPORT GROUP FOR BORDERLINES...I know there are a few good support groups out there online that you can get support/talk/study/ask questions/ect....people that will UNDERSTAND you,which I know can be hard to find in the ';real world';.
I wish you the best hun...I hope things get better/and my prayers too:-)
I am so sorry for your suffering. Are you taking the required medications, an antidepressant and an antipsychotic. Those are number one most important. Please know that drinking prevents your medications from working and as you know causes great harm and causing your feelings and symptoms to become much worse.
There is a new and revolutionary therapy called EMDR. What is the best about this therapy is that the specialized therapist has the skill to bring forth the trauma or traumas that occurred in childhood that are hidden in your subconscious mind. You are then able to deal with the trauma or traumas in an adult way rather than the extremely damaging way they were processed as a child. This is not a lengthy therapy.
Also you can ask about Emotion Regulation Therapy which teaches you how to manage your emotions that you never had an opporunity to learn. Also Cognitive Restructuring Therapy teaches you how to change the damaging way you have learned to think and allows you to live a happy and productive life. To be truly successful it is good to do all three of the therapies one by one.
For now please try your best to know that you are loved and that you are special. Unfortunately the BPD takes away your ability to like and love yourself. But try. If you harmed yourself those who love you would be destroyed for life themselves. There are also numbers you can call that are staffed by professionals who can help you 24 hours a day. One is 1-800-273-talk and 1-800-suicide.
You can learn to live a happy life please try to think of the good things that are to come to you. This is a crisis and please use the numbers when you feel a need. Please take care of yourself!
More than 2 drinks acts as a depressant, and any amount depletes B group vitamins, exacerbating depression. A previous answer follows: Because of their upbringing, people suffering from BPD tend to see things in terms of black and white, rather than shades of grey, and often idealise, then devalue, in relationships. They also tend to have a great fear of abandonment, and sometimes go to extreme lengths to prevent it. They often become involved in alcohol and/or drug abuse, and/or high risk activities. Closely examine the http://1-800-therapist.com/ %26amp; http://www.metanoia.org/choose/ websites. Contact the local %26amp; national organisations of clinical psychologists, therapists, and/or psychiatrists, to find a therapist who uses Dialectical Behavio(u)ral Therapy, or get a good book on the subject, and give to a therapist using Cognitive Behavio(u)ral Therapy (fairly common, and probably nearby) and ask that it be incorporated into your treatment. Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) http://www.priory.com/dbt.htm %26amp; http://www.behavioraltech.com/downloads/鈥?/a> Some locators are via the home page, at Weebly, below.
Workbooks that offer good coping skills are: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, %26amp; Distress Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood, and Jeffrey Brantley, %26amp; Marsha Linehan's Skills Training Manual (a DBT Workbook). Read ';I hate you: don't leave me.'; by Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Stras. Also: The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Randi Kreger and James Paul Shirley, %26amp; NEW HOPE FOR PEOPLE WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, by Neil R. Bockian, Ph.D., %26amp; The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide - Paperback (Nov 2007) by Alex Chapman and Kim Gratz, %26amp; Borderline Personality Disorder For Dummies (Health %26amp; Fitness) by Charles H. Elliott and Laura L. Smith. Try www.amazon.com for these, and others on BPD. View: http://www.sane.org/information/factshee鈥?/a> %26amp; http://www.2knowmyself.com/uieforum?c=sh鈥?/a> Check out: www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/鈥?%26amp; www.mhsanctuary.com/Borderline/board2d.h鈥?www.psychforums.com/borderline-personali鈥?www.ehow.com/how_2154549_find-borderline鈥?%26amp; www.borderlinecentral.com/articles/bpdsu鈥?
Most people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or more alternatives along those lines are shown here * Google: ';support groups; borderline personality disorder'; and try some. Do similarly with chat sites and forums. Practice a relaxation method, daily, and when needed, such as http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-鈥?/a> or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody鈥?/a> or http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate or Yoga Nidra, (a series of easy mental exercises only; no flexibility required) at http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/l.h鈥?/a> (page * X addresses BPD; see page g about breakups) Tai Chi, regular yoga, or Qi Gong, suits others better.
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